Not quite for me, as you might have guessed. And it has been some time since I wrote here here, yes, I don’t even know why I bother, you can say I’m bored. And I am, bored out of my mind.
Still on chemo, hopefully finishing 5th course tomorrow (not soon enough but what can you do if I keep getting sick), looking like hell (and believe me I do), having so many medications in my blood system and feeling like crap of course, but that kind of goes without saying, right?
The thing is, if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m starting to feel angry and envious of healthy people with their mundane problems and it doesn’t look good I think. Why should I be angry that some girl I know gets to sit on the forest floor and take nice pictures and enjoy the weather and look good? That’s basically everyone’s life, only not mine. Why not mine? Why should I suffer? I know l have it easier than many, but I still have much much worse than the rest! I’m bitter. It’s not right, it’s not fair, it’s not anything!
Where am I supposed to get strength for this? I’m all done I think, but then again I think it almost every time and somehow I get up and go and wonder where I got the will from, cause it’s all about the will to live I believe? I’ll be damned if ever think of dying after this all ends, if it ends and if it ends well. That would be such a waste, to fight for your life so hard, lose so much and then throw it all away. But I guess that could happen to people, life is so strange it doesn’t make sense like at all.