well my origional intention was to write at least every other day, but i just lost interest. i cant seem to stick with anything lately. i feel so depressed. not the sad kinda depressed. More like disintrested in almost everything.The only emotion i seem to feel is irritation or guilt from it.
My biggest pet peeve right now is unwanted good intentions. I get so fucking tired of “just keep your chin up”, “it gets better”, “well think positive thoughts”.
why? why do i have to be happy? why do i have to be cheerful? i would say sorry that my lack of a bubby attitude makes you so uncomfortable. but im not.
im allowed to have a bad week here and there without having to fake a smile. and thats ok. its ok to be angry. its ok to be bitter. and i know it does pass eventually. but i dont want to be told that, the point is right now, im not. im not doing ok, and thats fine. its like a kid breaking their arm and being told “why are you crying? it will heal eventually and it wont hurt”.
it may seem a bit contradictive, but thats how life works. life is a fucking mess. and night now so am i.
i wish i had somebody to really talk to about this crap. my mom thinks im just over dramatic, and i dont wanna tell my hubby. hes been going through so much crap at work, the last thing i wanna do is stress him out and worry him. yeah i can talk to my therapist, but hes paid to listen. its not the same.
and speaking of therapy, its been helping a bit lately. which is why im back to writing on here again. i have such a slew of mental disorders, its like he finds something new everytime i see him, and it all really just stems from ptsd, which is a real bitch. we still arent entirely sure what caused my ptsd. the general consensus seems to be from a brain infection back in 07 which causes momentary death. fun stuff right? but he also seems to think there was a serious childhood trauma that caused it.
i just hope that we can get me back on track with my emotions. and find a little bit of consistancy