Day 580 – Moment & strong friendship

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Today was good for a majority of the part, but became frustrating near the end.

I started off with English. We worked on other grammar papers, corrected our book questions and read some more as usual.

In technology I continued my Blender tutorial and then left for lunch. I ate with one of my close friends as usual and Kohai joined us as well.

In French we continued reading our book and then watched more of the movie.

In math, everything was going as usual. Then things took a turn. Lemme just plop it in here :

(This was written right after the incident) What is sadness exactly? The act of crying? The terrible thoughts that come to mind? Feeling your heart tightening, or having a pit in your stomach? I’m not sure what I feel when I’m sad. Crying, check, bad thoughts, check. But can I still smile? Sure. Can I carry on like nothing happened? Yeah, let me snap my fingers and I’ll be even more joyful than I could be without sadness. Sure, I’ll come close to breaking down again, but just give me some time or keep me distracted. When I’m sad, I might cry, and my mind will start racing to negative aspects in my life. However, I don’t feel sad. Maybe I’m trying to tie the emotion to something that isn’t there, and I’m just trying to search for something inexistant as a distraction. That might be it. Or maybe it wasn’t sadness, but fear or stress? That might also be it. I think it’s both.

Anyhow, nothing super serious happened; I asked my teacher help with something, and as he was explaining it, I still didn’t understand, and I cried. Not a big deal, right? When I’m sad I tend to blow things out of proportion. I don’t go around saying what happened was this traumatising event, but on the inside I start thinking about every negative thing in my life, especially how I feel like I’m being judged for crying. I’ve had this problem ever since I was a kid. I would talk to a teacher and slowly start crying, even though I’m completely fine. This hasn’t happened though for a couple of years. So I went to ask my teacher, not thinking anything would happen, but it did happen. My voice began to crack when I started talking and then slowly my eyes began to tear up. Then as he was explaining, I thought I was fine, until I felt a tear fall and I began panicking. Because of that, I thought about embarrassing myself in front of my teacher and someone else asking for help. That caused me to cry. I had to pretend like I understood and the teacher turned to help someone else. He asked for my paper to use it as an example for that student and he asked me if I was okay. My voice was no longer cracking and I quickly said with a flick of my hand and smile : “Oh, oui oui” (I go to a French school). But the tears wouldn’t stop. It wouldn’t come like a waterfall, but would still come (I wasn’t sobbing at any point, just tears and occasional sniffle). That’s when I realised my anxiety with teachers had returned. I quickly decided in that moment that I’m never asking for help again, although as I’m writing, I disagree with that decision; it should be something I have to try and defeat. Although, I did my usual coping mechanism and tried my best to pretend like nothing was happening. I knew my eyes were red, but when the guy from earlier using my paper as an example (he’s actually a jerk, but when someone’s crying, his whole persona changes and he’s sincere) or someone else came to ask me for help, I would look at them straight in the eyes and talk like shyness has never been a thing for me, even though it most certainly is. They saw, and I saw it in their expression that they knew, but they played along, and I thank them for that. I carried on, but whenever I thought about crying, I’d cry of course. I would try to distract myself to avoid that thought. As soon as I’m no longer distracted, I think about how stressed I am, how I cried in class and failed my goal to not cry at school, at least not for any ridiculous reasons. I think about my portfolio, if I’m good enough to be an animator, how my teacher anxiety came back and so much more. But speaking of the anxiety, I ask my technology teacher all the time for help, and I don’t cry. My guess it’s because it’s about something I love to do, and with a teacher I have a good connection with, so I don’t cry. Anyhow, I go on to pretend like nothing happened after I cry. I think of myself to be so strong for doing that, but in reality, I’m just a coward. You’d think I’m just sucking it up like someone’s who’s mentally strong, but instead I try and run away from it. Only when I run far enough I carry on as normal, because I was able to get away from it, instead of dealing with it. But, as they say, it always catches up.

Sigh. This is how I always feel when something like this happens. In the end I’m fine; I can move on. Nothing serious happened, and I’m not going to be depressed for the following days or anything of the sort. I just wanted to write it all down, because I never do (by the time I’m done crying or something, I’ve come to terms with the problem and don’t feel it is necessary to vent). I want it to be written down so in the future, so when I’m dead or something and someone reads my entries, they know how I delt with stuff like that. They can relate or take it as instruction of what not to do. If I ever change in the future, I can read back on it, and see that change.

Back to now time, I am fine, as I said earlier. Other things came up with a Kohai that made me fustrated. To add though, when I was semi crying in math, she began to tear up a bit for me. Later in the evening I was crying hard for her. I’m so glad to have such a strong friendship that we cry and feel each other’s pain.

Anyhow, during the evening I relaxed so I would calm, studied French, watched Supernatural, talked with Kohai a lot and now I’m going to bed. While talking with Kohai, I noticed I sometimes seem to end up being controlling when I get fustrated with anything bad that could happen in her life, instead of just offering things as advice. I have to try and stop that. I can’t force things to be better anyhow. I can only support her.

That’s all for today.

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