Well I want atonement ..

Believe it or not, Today is Yom Kippur! The day of atonement. What can I ask El for today. Who can I ask forgiveness from? I have made plenty of beds and laid in all of them. However I can’t seem to find one, that is permanently mine and his. Hopefully you understand the gist. I am not ashamed of my pursuits. Each had an intention of love, but something in me, on me or around me prevented me  from committing. I feel a sense of loneliness and it hard. I want to be kept. Lol how old school and chauvinistic as it sounds, it much more deeper than that. I mean I want to belong to a person and believe and feel he is mine as well. Solely made for me.So on a day of atonement, I ask for forgiveness for the mistakes of falling in love with someone else who isn’t created to be my husband. I strongly feel we make our path, with G-d suggestions and direction, and helpful pushes and blocks. I just wish and pray mine would find his steps. I wonder at my age is my delay because I have wronged this world, my past love, or have I wrong Elohim? I’m very Christian, however I love who I have become. A woman in my own right, but question WHEN. When will the tides turn, and he the next man no longer become an empty pursuit. Let’s understand it, a pursuit is a two way street. I mean the tangle of courtship, where our ideas may be different but our moral fiber and compass are aligned. He doesn’t have to be the one to chase or find me, I am asking can I just fall into his footsteps of life! So I ask for atonement for the wrong suggestions, the tantrum, the nasty words, the coldness, the breaking of appointments I have done, I ask for the atonement for falling on the extreme end of the last one, and over compensating with new one. I wasnt looking to be hurt again and again, I want to be esponaged of my past and gain a partnership. Something almost regale and surreal but in my worlds my fantasy, not need to be understood by everyone but only G-d and he who is to be for me, and is mine. I want peace of mind, that I will make my passion and profession come to life. Help give life, and deliver them as well. To find a home made for me. A home he created with me. I ask for atonement for all the things I have done. And ask to prosper. I ask for path and door to open. Stoping the moments of sluggishness and confusion. Elohim is no a presecence of confusion or chaos. I ask for atonement. 

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