scattered thoughts

Tomorrow’s Braelyn’s birthday. I feel emotional, I want to be able to wish her a happy birthday. But even trying to call her today, I was told by my ex-wife that I’m not allowed to talk to Braelyn. I’d send her a present, as I’ve done every year since Marie moved to Utah with the kids, but last I knew when the presents came she’d toss them out since the kids ‘have a father’ and since I’m such an awful person, I really hate it. I know that eventually, the kids are going to find out that their mom’s being crazy, and they’re going to end up resenting her. I don’t want them to resent their mom, but I don’t want them to think I’m a bad guy. 


At least I had a chance to hear little baby’s heartbeat on Thursday. It’s like one of those things that are hard to explain. Never once have I thought about Ella being pregnant with my baby. I’ve known her for almost forever. That to me gets me emotional as well. I kind of wished I knew what a great woman she was before I got married. I’m pretty sure I would have waited until she was legal age before I started a relationship with her, even though there was that one time what hormones got the best of us. 

Ella was my sister Cori’s best friend since first grade, and she soon became my best friend. I know things that nobody else would know about her, and I keep those secrets safe. It wasn’t until after my divorce when she wiped my tears away, and gave me strength that I didn’t know I had. She’s so amazing. 

We now have graduated from the reproductive endocrinologist to an actual OB, and at the end of this month, we may possibly know what gender the baby is. I don’t know if either of us really wants to know or if we want to keep it a secret. I’m just happy that the reproductive endocrinologist was so awesome, and helped us with something that I never thought would happen. 



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