Being a Bit Extra

I am starting this journal as an outlet to maybe get some different perspectives on my thought and what not or at the very least just to have a space to write all the wild thoughts going through my head… I feel like my life is a mess… I feel like everyone and their mothers is in a happy relationship or are at a point in their life where they don’t care for a relationship. I’m the opposite… I feel like I am behind in life for not being in a relationship already. I realize this is kind of a rediulous thought considering I am only in college at the moment, but the path I have always seen myself on is off track. The fact that I am not sure who I am open to being in a relationship with does not help much either… I do not know if I can see myself settling down with a man… Settling down with a woman is the ideal scenario as that is traditional and will provide me with all the things I have always wanted… the traditional wife and kids and what not. I know there is adoption and other options for being with another man, however, ideally I would want my kid to have both mine and my partner’s genes and with a male-male relationship thats just not possible… I was recently in my first male-male relationship and now have become more accepting of that idea. However, as fast as it started, it also ended. And now here I am again, single and that much more behind schedule. Like I said, my life is a mess. I don’t know why I am so desperate for a relationship. It just seems nice to have that person you can tell everything to and you can share everything with them and they can become such a big part of your life and bring you so much happiness and growth (assuming you pick the right one). I think that is also my problem. I always look for relationships with the longterm goal in mind. If I cannot see myself marrying the person or I don’t feel “the spark” then I shy away from the potential relationship. I feel like Ted from How I Met Your Mother. Always looking for “the one” and falling for people too hard. Only all the people I fall for either aren’t interested or it is just too complicated to get into that kind of relationship witht them. At this point I think I should end this post here as I am already rambling and will just continue to ramble on if I don’t.

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