Sunday October 1st 1:17am

I am in bed, but my head is really hurting. I am very torn about what to do. I feel like Killian will get me that job at Winburn, but when I go out with my friends like I did yesterday, I don’t want to leave. I truly love this city. I just don’t know what I should do. I know people live far away from their kids all the time. Why do I feel so guilty for doing it? I feel guilty for everything. 

Later, that same day…

I got an email from the owner of my townhouse. She was into the idea of renting to me until I could buy it- that’s good news. She said she needed to talk to her husband about it and she would get back to me, so a place to live is looking decent. The other thing that happened that is likely just false hope is that I sent Brent a screen shot of a paragraph from an article on autism and he responded. I asked him a couple of questions about the Teacher Next Door program and he actually called me. I know it most likely means absolutely nothing, but it made me feel hopeful for a second. I am not at all any more over my dream of our family being back together than I was this time last year. I still want my husband back. I really don’t think there’s any way for me to stop wanting him back other than if I actually got him back and then found out I hated him. I hate myself every day for being so so stupid. 

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