sometimes I think about how perfect life would be if you didn’t leave. it can often be a random thought that flickers through my mind, my face stares blankly, wordlessly, yet my mind is far from calm. after all this time, my heart still pounds painfully against my chest at the thought of you. sometimes I look at your old messages when I miss you. your heartfelt encouragement to tell me not to give up, your lighthearted jokes to make me smile, your blind devotion towards me as you thought the world of me, and your steely, unwavering love that made me believe in love. and on the days I am suddenly overwhelmed with this strong curiosity to know how you are doing, I look at you. I am reminded, again, of how lacking I am in comparison because if I were better, you would have loved me. you wouldn’t have left and I wouldn’t be left with all the unspoken words and this aching need for you. there wouldn’t be a before you and after your version of me.
the demise of us did not happen over time. it was abrupt, sudden, and shocking. there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.
one moment dreaming of our future together. the next you tried to convince me how there was no way we could be together. I shook my head hoping this was all a nightmare and I would wake up soon to a reality where you were back to your usual self. I didn’t want to listen. I couldn’t accept what you were saying and for the first time, I wanted to run away from you. I wanted to yell and ask why, after all this time.
I wanted to cry over how you unremorsefully broke my heart and how shattered you left me in your wake. I was unable to move and I continued to stay silent. you wanted to soften the blow with your diplomatic words of how you would always be there for me but all I could see was the irony of how you could not. you wanted to break off with me gently but all you did was twist the knife deeper into my wound and look at me indifferently as I gasped in pain.
I never had any proper closure of us. one moment we were together and the next we were torn apart. we were suddenly strangers leading our own separate lives.
I guess what made it so hard was not losing you but the way I did. you were suddenly gone and I wasn’t prepared for it. you promised me forever but turned and ran the instant things proved to be too much. you traded your promises to me for apologies and goodbyes.
moving on from you without any closure made me question my self-worth if there was anything that I could have done differently to avoid this. I started wondering if any of it was real and if your feelings for me were true. I started to build walls instead of relationships, believing everyone would eventually leave.