What do I want?

I have no idea…

So I went out this weekend to a couple of clubs with some girlfriends, first  I didn’t want to got, cause I don’t have much money now, but I was incredibly bored, and also, yesterday I found out that my ex went to a gay club with anothe guy, I mean it’s fine you know,,, I’m happy that he’s trying to get his life back, but he was just fighting me about how I’m supposed to be involved with someone which it’s not true, and he kind threatened me saying something like oh, and please take care, cause it would suck if anything bad happened to you, and I was like, uh? what r u talking about? and he said you know what I’m talking about I know the things that you’re into right now, like WTF? what does he mean by that? and then he asked for a favor if I could buy him a pair of sneakers with one of my credit cards, I said yes, but then I talked to my mom and she told me to say no, cause he’s been acting too weird, and if I keep helping him or buying stuff for him, I’m never gonna get rid of him, so I told him that I wasn’t sure about it, then I heard that he went out with some guy which as I said before, it’s fine, but like why would he keep arguing with me, and looking for me and asking me favors, and calling me a slut, if he’s already going out with someone, and I’m not! that’s the worst part, so  I posted a snap of me on my way to the gym and put a silly heart on the video, hahaha I knew it was gonna upset him, and it worked cause since he saw it he hasn’t talked to me anymore, so I decided to go out with my friends, just to get out of the house and my daily routine for a while, and I knew it was going to be out all night, cause my friend said oh yeah let’s go for a couple of drinks that’s all we’ll be home early, yeah right… we went to 3 places, and I spent more money than I had planned but it was fun, and mmhh I did something stupid I think? I texted this guy well first I texted C (the guy I always talk about), I sent him a pic of me smoking, cause I told him that I haven’t smoke in more than 6 months or almost a year, but I couldn’t help it, if I’m drinking I have to smoke, I just have to, and he just laughed, so I continued drinking I didn’t get drunk, but around 3-4 am we were on the 3rd club, I was bored, and tired and I didn’t feel like drinking more, so I texted this guy X, he’s been constantly asking me out, and also inviting to his place, he pretty much wants to fuck me and that’s it, but I was bored, and kinda down, cause I was alone, hahaha I don’t know, so he went to picki me up at the club, and I left with him to his place, which was kinda bad, cause he has a roomie and I happen to know his roomie, he used to be my roomie, and he’s a friend of my ex, so I was like FUCK, if he sees me here, he’s gonna tell him, and I shouldn’t care cause we’re not together but if he’s always calling me a slut without reason, now that he’ll have a reason to do it, it would suck. anyway, he didn’t see me, so I stayed with X for a while, and we made out, kinda started to have sex, but I wasn’t really into it, you know? I was feeling weird, awkward like I didn’t wanted to be there, and he kept saying stuff like how much he likes me, and he likes my body, and I don’t know it made uncomfortable, so I didn’t wanted to keep going with it,.. and I decided to go home, he was gonna take me home, but then some friends of him showed up, and they went to a bar, and then I took a cab and went home, around 6:30 am, and I kept thinking it’s so weird, like I wanted to alone, now I’m alone and I feel weird, I wanted to fool around, I just did that with X, and I didn’t like it, the 0nly good thing was having fun with my friends and that’s it, So this made me wonder, am I ready to be with someone else? am I ready to have sex with new people? Do I want to? What do I want? cause X was good, he’s not really my type, but he was nice you know? like he was drunk but he was nice, he called me today around 3 pm, while I was about to eat, and he was asking me about last night, if I had a good time.. if a liked it,,, and then i said something kinky like how he hard right now just by remembering about us last night,, and I truly didn’t know what to say,, so I just kinda laughed and then told him that I really wanted to eat cause I was starving and if we could talk later, so he said yes, but I think he noticed how I was letting him down with that attempt of booty call. And also around 2 pm, I texted C, just said hello.. and well he didn’t texted me back, that felt bad, cause since he texted me last week I thought now that I know that he hasn’t forgotten about me I wasn’t gonna stop talking to him, so decided that I’ll text him every once in a while like once a week or twice, just for him to remembering me, but now that he didn’t text me back, I assumed that he’s not into me, I could say that hey maybe he’s super busy, but I mean come on, busy on sunday at noon? I don’t think so, so I suppossed I’m gonna stop trying with him, because I do like him, but to be honest if he were the one acting like X, or like other dudes that keep asking me out, what would I do? would I be happier? Would I say yes to him? cause I know I already said yes to him, a little too soon when I accepted to go out with him, would I do it again? Probably yes, because I like him , but then what? because I don’t know what I want right now! I know that I like him, but I don’t really know him that much, so I need to stop obssesing about him, probably  it would be better if I just stop trying to find a guy, or trying to force things with C, hopefully I’ll stop doing that, but I can’t help to see the irony that we are just beginning October, and this my goal as a date to finally be the one to talk first, and now I’ve made up my mind that it’s probbaly better if I just leave him alone. I need to chill and find me again, I need to figure out what do I want, who am I now that I’m single?

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