So livid right now

I’m doing a self-love challenge for many reasons but the main one is because I met my karmic soulmate through wattpad.

I would tell the whole story but that would take to long. Short version, he disappeared without saying a word, came back said sorry, wanted to find our way back to each other etc. etc. then left again then came back and just wanted to be friends. While writing this I noticed a pattern, he seems to only contact me when i’m moving on from him and feel better about myself. Continuing on with the story the time he said he just wanted to be friends, because I knew he had to stay away so that I could move on I told him not to contact me and blocked him.

When you tell someone not to contact you, you would think they would respect your decision and leave you alone. He doesn’t do that.

When you tell someone not to contact you, block them, then delete your account and create a new one so you can move forward with your life, all those things should be a clear f**king hint to STAY AWAY. Yes I know i’m running but its only because he has a girlfriend, if I were a part of his life it would be nothing but drama for me, not to mention I would be consumed with thoughts about him 24/7 and therefore would be unable to move on, so for my sanity he needs to stay away.

The only thing it serves for him to message me is to make me angry. Is it too much to ask to move forward in life without him in?

I know he never loved me, if you love someone you, you don’t lie to them. If you claim that you are going to be loyal to them then actually be loyal, if you can’t be loyal then don’t promise them anything that you know you will eventually break. I gave him time after time to tell me the truth about anything, and I even told him that if he ever wanted to be with anyone else then he could let me know, but instead all I got was “I want to be with you, you are the one. I have never experienced these feelings I have for you for no one else” turns out he did want to be with someone else but instead of telling me he just disappeared without saying anything.

I know people’s feelings change, I know people may want someone else. I’m not upset by this fact, what I am upset about is that he did not have the balls to tell me he wanted someone else, just leads me on for months and then up and disappears without saying a god damn word and then comes around saying he just wants to be friend knowing full well i’m still hurt but slowly moving on.

One of the things I was worried about and even voiced what I thought was that by the time I told him how I felt that it would be too late, his answer was “It won’t be too late because I love you, I want to be with you, i’ll fight for your heart”. Well just when I finally told him how I felt, just when I finally planned on opening myself up to him completely he ended up leaving 3 weeks later without saying anything.

I wish I could bring myself to say every god awful thing about him that comes to mind but has I write I just don’t have it in me to do. I’m just so tired  As I look back all I can think about is how stupid I was to get sucked in the way I did. How much hatred I have for myself and maybe I hate him a little but hate myself more.

By the way the reason why I am livid is because he contacted me this morning which resulted in me deleting my wattpad account again.

On a random note, I will be using this journal for my thoughts and maybe some of my poetry.

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