Stepping forward

I completed my 4th step and 5th step follows immediately.  For years, I recited the Lord’s Prayer in which I threw a rather big net about forgiveness, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”.  Those are profound words, but they cover too broadly what we need to investigate.  The 4th step does that.  In so doing, we list all resentments, all fears and finally those we have hurt.  I worked on that for several weeks until I exhausted all memories.  It felt really good and then going over them all with my sponsor felt even better.  That’s step 5.  Now I’m asking my higher power to forgive me for those and to remove them from my tired old shoulders so I can stop carrying them around.  This is a very freeing moment of great clarity.

Met with my therapist yesterday evening, meaning I did not get together with my usual group of friends for dinner on Monday as we do each week.  But therapy is more important and a huge part of my recovery.  

I moved out from my rented place and home fully with my wife.  I’m overwhelmed at her grace and mercy / forgiveness.  She’s still simmering just below the surface, I can tell, but she is no longer fully consumed by anger.  So we work every day at our relationship, which is completely new.  Our old one had to die and this new one replaces the old one.  We had a system, me as the “healthy” one, fixing my wife who was the “sick” one.  Ironically, we were and are both sick.  Sick because we are only human and flawed and vulnerable.  Part of my recovery and part of our new relationship is revealing ourselves completely, opening up and letter the other see all of ourselves.  And we MUST continue on that path and not let ourselves fall back into our previous roles.

We’ve not had genital sex yet, despite tons of tender touching and softly spoken loving words.  We do this form of making love every day and every night.  It’s not genital, but more importantly it is emotional and spiritual.  Sure, I’m a man so “that” is always somewhere on my mind.  But I cannot rush her and in fact, in a very open discussion about this, I even offered that if she never wants to do anything physically sexual, that’s ok.  She appreciated that and offered in return that this is probably not going to be the case, but that she appreciated that I could say that.

So where do we go from here?  We continue for now, one day at a time.  I love her more than anything and am for now enjoying what tender and powerful non-sexual touch means.  

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