Last time I wrote here I said I wasn’t feeling quite right…and it’s been manageable since then…but it always takes me by complete surprise when I seem to just crash. I was thinking only a few weeks ago how I would never go back to lorazepam or zopiclone or cutting and also that I’d never ever die by suicide…but all of a sudden all of these things are tempting me. It’s today that I’ve crashed and it’s taken me by surprise is all. Maybe feeling a bit iffy when I last wrote here was a warning for this crash. It’s just no matter how well I know myself and my mental health issues I just can never tell exactly what day it’ll all crash down on me, if it does at all. Sometimes I think I’ll crash but don’t. But today…I just have.
My life was awful before Harry, in the sense that my mental health issues had made my life completely pointless and worthless. Unable to work, unable to study, in A&E in the Heath in Cardiff over 30 times within the first three months of 2014, needing stitches every time. I was constantly in A&E…I was consuming 100’s of lorazepam and zopiclone I’d purchase over the internet within a week…I couldn’t cope with life unless I was drugged and very nearly sedated. It’s a horrible life I’d made for myself but yet the tablets and razor blades tempt me today. I’m fighting an awful urge to cut myself right now. What about Harry I hear you ask? I feel like Harry doesn’t even like me anymore…I do end up believing these seemingly ridiculous things but judging by how I’m feeling right now I believe it. I feel like my own son wouldn’t notice if I was suddenly gone. It wouldn’t matter. Oh why do I suddenly feel like that.
There’s no one I can turn to. For all my parents do for me I cannot turn to them, they are both still very unwell and they would not react in a rational manner as they are not well. They wouldn’t mean to react badly but they would as so much bad has happened to us since 2000. I no longer have a sister, she doesn’t speak to me anymore and doesn’t even care about me, doesn’t bother at all now. I would have trusted Will in the past to open up about my mental health but after all this court stuff no way…for me, betrayal like that can never be forgiven, I’ll never trust that man ever again. I have no friends. I thought Catherine was a friend but obviously she never saw me like that and would get annoyed saying she was too busy talking to other people to reply to me.
I think most of my pain right now is the one that I have had ever since I was twelve years old…I’m not important…I’ll never be anything special. In a group I am forever the spare part. All the others form as best friends and I’m just the one on the side, the one people look to when their best friends or partners aren’t there. I’ll always be that useless, forgotten, barely in the background person. I’m not even important to my own son. He can take me or leave me. I knew it’d end up like that because it happens constantly, even in my own family. When I used to have a sister and she’d come stay with us or we’d go stay with her, it is always her and my mum talking. I’m just a spare part again. My sister doesn’t ask me anything or wants to know anything about my life, even with Harry.
I cannot promise not to self harm tonight but I can promise not to commit suicide.