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Thinking back to the day my heart stopped

I feel like I honestly had a choice to stay or go.

I didn’t even go to a hospital. I just left and went driving and ended up at a friends house with a heart condition and just asked her a bunch of stuff. I mean.. c’mon.. the ER is a lot of freaking money.
I know.. I know.. but it’s your life!

Here’s the thing. I chose to stay.. I say my children.. My mother..

I chose to stay. That was before all the horrible things..
I think now, would I have stayed now?

This is a horrible thought because I think I may have let go.

I’m sorry.. I guess I’m also tired of being sick. It sucks to always be sick. That feeling of no pain.. no nothing. Kind of miss it.

LifeofBeautifulChaos

LifeofBeautifulChaos

I rather this be anonymous, however... I do want to tell my story. So I may change names and what not, but I will still give some details. Like, I'm married. A mom of 4. Pure Chaos. I'm always told I should write a book. I've always written in journals and when I do write I write as if I were talking to someone. So, I can write on here because maybe someone is actually listening. Anyway, so this is me. Not sure what I will call myself. I'm sure one day I will be writing something and need a name for myself eventually. ;)

2 thoughts on “Thinking back to the day my heart stopped”

  1. I can honestly say there are days that I think it would be easier not to be here anymore..not to have to fight through each day and to no longer be in pain and sad. Thankfully I haven’t felt that way lately but there is always the fear that the feeling will come back. Knowing how much my being gone would hurt my kids and family is the reason that I am still here.

  2. I’ve been getting worse and the worst part about all this is that I don’t want to leave anymore. They started me on meds that finally made me feel like my mind didn’t go straight to thinking about to death. I wasn’t thinking about it the second I laid down. I wasn’t begging while I was laying there to please just stop my heart.

    Now I have many new symptoms. Others get worse and it makes me sad. That depression still rears it’s head.
    Sometimes I don’t know how to be a “person” anymore. I have to though.
    I’ll bawl my eyes out in my bathroom. Telling myself I can’t do this.
    I do though. I really don’t have a choice.

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