In 29 years, I have learned a few things about myself. I feel like I have nearly scratched the surface of who, and what, I am. Piece by piece, it makes more sense.
I had a great childhood. The kind that I have never wanted to leave. My parents provided me with everything I could ever ask for. But they could never motivate me to do it for myself.
Skipping ahead years later, to indulgence. I discovered consensual pain play. It was a rush like I had never experienced. I had used pain therapeutically since the age of 10. I could always feel a rush of endorphines, and my mind, body, and soul would feel at peace after experiencing pain.
Masochism has been a great journey. I have been exploring it for six years. I suppose I have a hit a point where I would like to explore the other sides of myself. Marie. Not Ayssa, the person I have become. And maybe then, I can reach different levels that I can’t now.
I also have MS. At moments it will hit me, I am dying. I can feel it happening. Just slowly. Death is something I have always thought that I could face bravely, until I face it. And then it is quite a difficult feeling to handle. I hope over time, and with thought, I can be at peace with death as well. And try to release the fear of it.
I will likely explore my thoughts on those topics. And how to handle the stress of certain types of relationships. But first, I am a family girl. And I am a masochist and owned property. I am known as a princess, or royalty, to some. But who is Marie? Who can she be. Not my fantasy of myself. Who is the real me.