It’s how I’ve felt this past week. From getting laundry done, retraining the dogs, paying off all my debt….and some that isn’t mine….and sorting through boxes of shit I’ve refused to for over a year. The pile of things I’ve managed to hoard, has gotten much smaller. I’ve finally reached the “memory” boxes. All the boxes I’ve filed according to ex. Things we’ve done, memories we’ve had, things I never want to forget. These are the hardest boxes. Especially involving two people, Antoinette, not that I still love her or want her back, but because 7 years was spent with her. She…knows me….knew me better then anyone. I thought it was for ever…i suppose I just haven’t been able to let go of how it all just disappeared for her one day.
Then there’s Ann, I haven’t had the strength to get rid of anything. Everything I find, some how I end up just staring at it, missing her more, loving her more, finally praying some how, some way, she’s not gone for ever. She’s home, the only things that has ever felt like home. Utter perfection. Sigh.
The boxes are windiling away, oddly enough, I’m very relieved. Maybe having it all lying around is what forced me to keep the emotional baggage. Any time I walked into that back room is was just piled with pictures, notes, gifts, memories….heart ache surrounding me. Reminding me. Eating me alive that 7 years wasn’t good enough, giving everything I had, wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t give her a family, and that was the last straw. I let it ruin every female I involved myself with, i let Antoinette ruin how I saw my self, because she wasn’t really ready to settle down. She ruined me. With out trying to rebuild my self, and heal, I jumped into this with someone, then stumbling upon Ann, and my world caught fire. Including my self. I got so caught up trying to go with the flow, I latched on to Ann, only to rip my self away before she could walk away, I felt I had to detach my self from her before she did to me what Antoinette had done. I couldn’t handle that again. It happened again anyways, but due to my own ignorant panic. She got ripped away, only this time, it’s worse. I can’t feel a emotional connection to anything but my dogs. Not friends or family I care for…even my nephews. When you hug someone you love you get a little warm feeling, glad they’re there, safe. I hug people, and nothing. Usually you kiss someone because you like em, have some connection, and I’ve kissed a few people, and I instantly loose the interest to continue. Even meaningless sex was a fail. The person means nothing to me, I couldn’t even fuck em, just to get laid. The excitement just wasn’t there. I wasn’t thinking of anyone, or even felt guilty like I did at my attempt a few weeks ago. Just…nothing….
I’m not depressed, I’m actually pretty happy with things going on. I get excited about things, cedar points coming up, and so is the concert, I’m to excited for that. I literally do a dance when I think about it.
How ever, this human connect thing is a dead line.