Good morning world,
By the title of this web site, I’m guessing that we’re supposed to journal at night before we go to sleep. Oddly, my most free time is in the mornings. Free time used to be spent acting out in my sexual addiction, which was likewise online, but not on this web site….. it was porn and then personals and sexting all manner of pictures of myself to strangers, soliciting anonymous sex with strangers. Though meeting them and having sex was never the goal. Mine was exhibitionism. Twisted, sick and perverted old me, which has been replaced with better me.
That replacement doesn’t come for free. I pay a cost by doing all of my program which includes journaling, praying, meditating, reading my big book, working my steps, speaking to my therapist and sponsor daily, etc. But compare that to the price that I so eagerly spent on my addiction, and the time is by no means even comparable. So it’s worth it; yes!
Another part of my addiction, via therapy I’ve learned has been my relationship with my lovely wife. We stopped talking about our relationship and things difficult to discuss such as sex. That inability to talk about awkward subjects led to my acting out. We talk about these things now. One of those is sex; which by the way, we’ve not yet approached physically. It’s been going on 4 months since we had any sexual contact at all. That’s not good and is not normal. One of the dangers that affect sex addicts is what we call sexual anorexia. That addict develops the inability to be sexual at all and it takes the place of the original acting out as a compulsion. My lovely wife still believes that my acting out, my addiction was also a huge part of our sex life; that I was equally compulsive in my wanting sex from and with her. Nothing could be further from the truth.
My acting out was a secret disgusting totally separate form of sexual deviation. Sex with my wife was loving and wonderful, tender and a connection. That is totally missing now and I’m concerned. We do talk about it but she’s not convinced that what we were doing was not equally part of my acting out and addiction. So what to do? How do we move closer to that connection when every day, we grow further from it and physically apart? I’m worried that we will never be capable of even being nude together. It’s gotten to that point because she doesn’t trust me and/or my body. It’s true that I’m as easily turned on as I was when we were in our early 20’s, but I’m not some monster that she thinks that I am. I’m a man. Just a man.