I’m disgusted by myself. I’m disgusted by my thoughts, by my dreams, by my aspirations. I know in a few days, or whenever I read it, I’ll be disgusted by this too. I’m disgusted by my ignorance, by other people’s ignorance, by my arrogance, and other people’s arrogance. I’m disgusted by how gullible and vulnerable I am. I can’t escape the constant notion that I’m the absolute worst of the worst, that these barely-ever-obtained attempts of mine to better myself, my looks, to improve my skills, my knowledge are just another future failure out of a million others in the history of humans. And that my life will inevitably go by in a flash, and that I’ll regret every second that I spent dreading the future. I’m incredibly insecure. Others are incredibly insecure, too. I can see it. And I’m afraid. I’m afraid that there’s not one person left who would feel confident and thick-skinned enough to open up their heart unconditionally to another person. I’m so afraid that what I feel like right now is just part of a pattern of what we all feel like. Scared shitless. Cold. Unworthy. While at the same time feeling the same towards others. That they’re stupid, ugly, unworthy failures. Houston we’ve got a fucking problem.

2 thoughts on “10/7/2017”

  1. I am SURE that you are a beautiful, very pleasant and intelligent person! Please never doubt that you are. Always know that if you ever need anything, I’ll be more than happy to help..

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