I am about to sleep and it’s difficult to lay down and think about my worries and fears which probably I don’t want to keep for me to think tomorrow
So, this little journal thing I do every night somehow minimize the pain. My brain is literally killing me. I thought I got over from stress when I quit my previous job but I realized that the real problem was not my job/ family/ financial status and so on but rather my fears, worries and doubts. When I was younger I thought one day I will conquer the world because I am fearless but then I realized that I was just numb or dumb or stupid and I do have fears. When responsibility struck me, it hit me terribly right in the chest. I have inconsistent chest pains and palpitation that is so hard to explain but I do have something in my heart, medically but whatever. I guess my parents did a pretty good job at taking care of me to the point that I don’t realized the harshness of responsibility but then it hit me when I thought I am grown. Maybe its the reason I’m fucking my life because I know they got my back.
FEAR, Where do I start? Right now I am fearing for my life medically. I don’t understand it myself, how can I fear dying when I’m used to be suicidal. Is this a joke? Is this karma? the transition is real. I don’t know maybe I just fear dying with a disease, cancer, heart failures, etc. because I don’t want to suffer without any control and see my family struggling. Also,to fail myself with the fact that I always consider myself to be the protector of the family. Growing up I fascinated heroes like I honestly thought I could protect everyone and it sucks how I am realizing everything now that I’m typing. Anyway, I have a lot of dreams and scenario played in head, how to save people but I don’t know maybe it’s just me being a kid or maybe it’s how I cope with trauma from a war freak hometown I grew up with (bombs and gunshot everywhere).
How about my future? I am paralyzed with my fear of death that I stop thinking for my future. I stop daydreaming, planning and just wondering what lies ahead. I just want to live now and its a good choice but people or the society sometimes gets into me and how I wish I could just be alone for a while. but that doesn’t add up, the worries will eventually eat me. I don’t know. Maybe I need help or maybe I should be more open and talk or communicate more. Right now, I don’t want to pressure myself, I am just taking a break from everything that is going on and wishing everything’s gonna be alright. Well at least I’m 60% confident I can handle myself.