Harry & Hermione

The last three weeks my mum and I have been ill with all the coughs and colds Harry is now bringing home from nursery. The first thing he caught was actually really bad. I tried to take him to his session and the nursery called me back after 10 minutes saying he just didn’t seem well enough and so I drove back to the nursery to pick him up. He couldn’t go the next session either! Just when we’d all recovered after two weeks Harry has brought back something else. I’m sick of being ill with a cold of some sort 🙁

Harry is fine, he’s doing really well. I still go with him to the mum and baby/toddler group on Mondays, he’s been continuing with his three hours at nursery on Tuesday, the pray and play group on Wednesday, another three hour nursery session on Thursdays and last Friday I took him to the usual soft play which he enjoys very much now 🙂 Harry also obviously has the contact with his dad- this weekend was the turn of him not seeing his dad though. I wish this weekend had been his turn with his father…this weekend has been a total nightmare.

Saturday morning I felt extremely ill. I felt awful. I was exhausted, some of y muscles were killing me and I had a debilitating dizziness/wooziness 🙁 My parents had to look after Harry the whole morning…but my dad and mum had a disagreement which meant my mum would help but…her mannerism, facial expressions, body language and tone of voice with us was completely vile. I can’t describe how she gets because it’s all in body language, how she responds and tone of voice. She carries on helping but in all the methods I’ve listed she makes you feel like the scum of the earth. I often challenge her about it but she uses my mental health against me and says I’m just imagining things. I ended up not only feeling physically crap but emotionally even worse than I already am. She’s not really been speaking to me or my dad ever since.

I just don’t know what her problem is. After she argued with dad that morning even though I was really ill she still invited a friend over and she was perfectly nice to her. She was so engrossed in conversation with her friend she wasn’t looking out for Harry and even though I could barely manage it I had to try see to him. When I really couldn’t I’d ask her for help but she’d carry on talking to her friend, I would have to ask her several times for help.

I give up on her now I really do. Since having had cancer she has changed and I knew she would. My worst fear was that she’d end up like my bitch of a Spanish teacher in college and she has. My Spanish teacher was horrid to everyone in her mannerism, how she spoke to us, her tone of voice, facial expression…exactly like my mum. I’ve lost my sister and now my mum. I can’t even trust my own family. Ok my mum continues to let me live here but makes me suffer horrendously emotionally. Whenever I try to talk to her about it she says I’m upset because I want to be. Of course I don’t want to be upset. I’m sick of people saying that to me…nurses in the hospitals I was sectioned in would often say that one to me. No one wants to be upset, but when someone has a mental illness suddenly it’s because we want to be like that.

I just can’t cope with my mum anymore, I can’t do it. The amount of pain she causes me is just unbearable sometimes it really is. It seems to be the same for my father too, my mum makes him feel extremely poorly too. My dad said to me like a half hour ago that she still won’t speak to him. My mum is extremely passive aggressive, I think that’s the term I am looking for to describe her.

There are two worse things…one is I haven’t got the money to move out and the other is…Harry has become so attached to her since being recovered from her cancer for a few months, so if I did have the money to live somewhere else like I desperately want to, I’m not sure it’d be good for Harry right now being so attached to her and still not at the age to understand situations or have them explained to him… 🙁 I’m stuck in the torture she puts me and my dad through. And there’s no trying to talk to her either…she just says to tell dad not her…but why do I need to tell dad anything, he’s not the one making me feel like I could kill myself again.

My mum has been through a lot and she has done so much for me but since her cancer…a change has happened that I can’t cope with and it’s suffocating living here with it. She just causes me far too much pain being so passive aggressive whenever she feels ill or dad upsets her…but dad has also changed since his breakdown in 2000…he’s very ill but my mum has become like the big sister I once had…intolerant of his condition.

Sometimes I really wonder if there’s any hope of people ever treating mental health illnesses as illnesses. If dad has been physically unwell she wouldn’t be getting cross at him like this, she wouldn’t get so cross that she becomes passive aggressive with just me and my dad. I didn’t annoy her yesterday, I was very ill and just wanted help with Harry but she treated me like shit anyway, invited a friend over and didn’t even want to help look after Harry as her friend was there.

Self harm and lorazepam are still tempting me horribly. Obviously I’d never take the lorazepam while still breastfeeding but for when Harry stops… 🙁

One thought on “Harry & Hermione”

  1. Dear Rogue — I am sorry to hear of the illness of Harry from school and your terrible problems with your mother. People do not accept mental illness. They really don’t, not even family. I think you are wonderful! Refusing to take lorazapam while you are nursing Harry is so brave! When you know it would make things easier for you, but you put what is best for him first. He is a blessed little fellow to have you for his mom. Oh, I know you’re not perfect–no mom ever was except maybe the Blessed Mother Mary. But you are a wonderful mother whose heart is for her child. I will pray for things to get better, dear girl.

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