Depression comes in waves.
Sometimes I feel like I’m treading water, looking into the abyss.
Other times, I feel like there’s a chain wrapped around my neck. Dragging me down deeper and deeper.
I’m in constant conflict with myself on whether I should sink or swim. Let go or hold on.
People say hold on, it’ll get better. WHEN. When will it get better? I’ve been waiting for something, anything.
Maybe writing about it will help, so here I am. Writing to no one. About nothing.
I’m sick of being unaccomplished, a disappointment, going between hopeful and hopeless, I’m sick.
I want my parents to be able to be proud of me and say “Yea, that’s my kid.” Not “Yea…she’s still living at home. No…she still can’t drive. Oh? A job? She’s looking but hasn’t found one.” Someday, maybe. Hopefully.
I wish I could actually get one night of sleep where I didn’t have a nightmare once I FINALLY fall asleep. Even just nothing would be better. I’m sick of seeing myself, those I love, being torn apart. Quite literally. Another nightmare is being stuck back with someone I want to forget. The panic I feel. I just want to sleep and dream about nothing.
Writing about this won’t change a damn thing.