8 October 2017

Everyone’s done things they’re not proud of at least once in their lifetime. We’ve kept skeletons in our closet and kept hush about it, wishing it will all go away someday. Regardless of how much we drink our sorrows away or stare into the blankness of moving vehicles or crashing waves while listening to our favorite playlist on repeat, we know it just won’t go away. We can’t un-know things we’ve known. We can’t un-say things we’ve said. We can’t un-do things we’ve done. We can’t un-feel those feelings we felt. We can try to make amends but for a fact, things just won’t stay the same as it used to before. 

B** – I’ve missed you a lot. Each time I walk down the same road we used to walk to the place we usually met, I think about you and I think about us. I wonder if you do the same too. I called your mobile using my office number last Friday. Just by listening to your voice saying hello was all that was needed to make me feel slightly relieved from the pain of missing you. Letting you go was painful but I had to. You not picking up my calls and replying to my text messages from my mobile number didn’t make it any better. You never knew about those nights I’ve cried, wishing you were mine and how disappointed I was after our meetup wasn’t up to what I expected. I’ve thought about what it would be like if you miraculously came back into my life, waited for me to end work and appear in front of my doorstep like you said you would, before. I waited but sadly, it never happened. I listened to songs on Youtube, thinking you dedicated it for me. Read too deep into the lyrics and wished you intended to say those words to me. I felt myself growing out of who I used to be. You challenged my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs. You grew inside me like a parasite and then you tore yourself away from inside me, ripping a big part of what’s left of me. Rejecting me, you walked away and stayed silent. I loved you but I hated you at the same time. Now, I’m greatly missing you. It’s all so confusing. I don’t understand it because all this just doesn’t make any sense to me. 

R***** – Today is your birthday but I’m not celebrating it with you anymore. Seeing your parents and relatives on Sunday mornings at the mosque reminds me of you even though I do not want to. Why do I coincidentally bump into your parents, I wonder? Its painful to always be reminded of the past when I’m trying to move on. You’re married now, I just pray that you’re happy with her. Whatever happened in the past was for the best. Z***** has moved on, you have moved on. I should too. Why do I feel like destiny’s pulling me back from attaining my happiness by reminding me of our past?   

I**** – I dreamt about you a few nights ago. I woke up wondering how I should contact you to ask how you are doing. On second thought, after a similar experience happened between me and R*****, I doubted the idea. I don’t think I can handle if you dropped a bomb of bad news to me like he did. Its sad how a beautiful friendship evolved into us being strangers once again. 

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