thatsjustthewayitis

this fucking asshole. i wish i could physically rip my heart out. take it to the store and buy a new one. like if it were a brand new iphone. i wish we could do that.  then we wouldn’t have to deal with these bullshit feelings that you develop for someone, only for them to make you weak and then hurt you. especially if you’re as weak and stupid and ugly as me.

ashton has been texting me and begging to speak with him. he drove up to berkeley twice in the hopes that i would hear him out. im not an asshole so i heard him out, kept my poker face, saved face throughout, and i said that i forgive him, and we should move on. he kept saying that he loved me more than anything and to please reconsider, when he said that i felt so fucking irate. i told him to fuck off and die. and he finally left. he left me here broken hearted. i just keep replaying it over and over in my head. i loved him so much. i gave him everything. i guess it wasnt enough. i hate it. love is so fucking evil. it makes you so weak. you lose control of your mind to emotions, emotions that don’t fucking benefit you at all. 

oh well. shit happens. 

i guess it doesn’t do me any good sitting here, crying to no one on line and being sad. 

when i was little and all throughout my teenage years i use to cut myself. i didnt do it because i was emo or any of that trend scene shit. i was bullied A LOT for many years when i was young. and i never told anyone, because the bullies would threaten to physically hurt me if i did. i didnt know how to cope with my emotions. and whenever i felt overwhelmed and i couldnt handle them i would slice my arms or legs open , and it felt so good to release all of that emotional pain with the blood. the first time i was 12 years old. the last time i cut myself i was a senior in high school. and eventually i learned how to cope with my emotions. 

but i started to cut myself again a few days ago. i had forgotten how good it felt. 
not gonna lie, sometimes i wish my stupid heart would stop beating. sometimes i do get tired of this life. and i think i could donate my organs and help out many people. that would be ideal for me. 

One thought on “thatsjustthewayitis”

  1. Hope you’re okay now hun. I’ve been away for a month and when I was here I never saw anything from you and I was a bit worried. 🙁
    I know what it’s like with dickhead guys. I had an ex that had started dating a new girl for 9 months before we actually broke up. Basically he lied and told me he was joining the military. Well, that was code for moving to a new town and finally getting official with his new girl. Ruined me for a long time. I couldn’t trust anyone that had interests in me for years.
    The bully thing… I get that two. I’ve been beaten many times by a girl in middle school. Broke my nose once and made my life hell until she was kicked out of school for getting into a fight with another girl. But trust me, I had cut myself so much and actually beat myself up when the more preppy girls would constantly harass me.
    I get ya girl.. I hope you’re okay.
    You’re beautiful and you’re worth the fight

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