a lot has changed since i posted almost a year ago, and at the same time it feels as if nothing has changed at all. i’m still me
i changed colleges
i changed my home
i changed my relationship status
i changed my face
i changed my attitude
i changed my mind
it’s 1 am but i had a surplus of caffeine today so here i am! bright eyed and bushy tailed! i want to reflect on how my life has grown since last fall. i am growing!
WOW i did not want to cry while i write this out but tears are definitely forming i can feel them and they’re hot and i’m fighting ’em! i’m really fighting here!
a month ago, i ended a 2 year relationship with my (now former) best friend. i feel like i don’t want to elaborate on this subject. that’s been my problem, actually. i don’t want to talk about him, or how he ended it, or how i feel about him. the wound is still fresh. i smacked a bunch of bandages on my heart immediately and tried to forget about it. whenever my mind wanders to him, i force a distraction so i don’t have to deal with the mess he left me with. but the honest truth is that this motherfucker hurt me SO. many. times. his actions cut me deeply. when we were together, i was massively insecure about my life– my relationship, my appearance, my money, my depression– and i cried constantly. guess who doesn’t cry anymore? like, besides right now. right now is an exception lol
i’m dating someone else now anyway. just dating, nothing too serious yet. but he treats me really well. we can talk endlessly and he is so funny AND he thinks i’m funny! and he doesn’t give me butterflies. every scar in my heart is from a man who once gave me butterflies in my stomach. i think this new guy will be a good one.
i’m telling myself that i don’t rely on men or sex to be happy. however, physical and emotional affection makes my life so much more worth living, so i’m probably going to pursue it. note: i’m sorry mom and dad i know you want me to be done with boys and focus on school but it has been so so hard and i promise i’m doing my best every day ok?
goodbye dorm life, because i live in a house now! i share it with two beautiful, wonderful, hilarious friends and two cats. oh yes! i got a cat since the last time i posted. needed an emotional support companion last fall and finally adopted her in january! she is the love of my life, period. god bless cats.
sharing the house has come with its challenges, but more prominently, it has come with so much laughter and support for one another. i feel so fortunate to have these girls in my life. i love them. love them so fucking much.
i finally got my lip pierced! i had wanted it for many many months but my then-boyfriend would not have approved. so, like….. it was about time to get the piercing. lol
school is hard. really hard, actually. i need school and i want school and i’m going to get it done. so, Universe, Gods, celestial beings above, if you’re watching me type this, KNOW THAT I WILL GET MY DEGREE LESS THAN 3 YEARS FROM NOW. i’ve got no time to waste with this shit.
i’ve lost weight since becoming single and i feel so fucking great about it. i almost look like how i dream i’ll look like. i’ll get there eventually– the point is that i like the way i look and the little girl i used to be would like how grown-up-me looks, too. so that’s cool.
more importantly than my outward appearance, my attitude has been sunny lately. i feel powerful. i feel in control of what i do each day. now, that’s not to say that i don’t still feel down. my depression affects me every day. the point is that it doesn’t keep me in bed all day or isolated in my room or at home. i spend time with (newfound) friends, i cook and make family meals for my roommates and i, i listen to great music, and i even TAKE SHOWERS sometimes. that doesn’t sound super depressed, now does it? (i still need to be in bi-weekly therapy but things have certainly been worse in my life).
in conclusion (because it’s 2 am now and i’m finally feeling drained) the last year of my life has thrown some darts at me. i dodged most of them and am healing from the ones that stuck in my heart. fortunately i have a loving support system to help me get through this. i feel good.