PTSD and ME

Hi,

I am not sure how to start this, I have been putting my thoughts on paper for a long time… almost 10 years.. I am not going to say that I am going to be good at this but I am going to try, Feed back welcome at any point in time. 

Lets start with a little bit about me first, I am 29 years old, I lost my mom almost 4 years ago come feb. You know you always have that one parent your really close to that was my mom.She was amazing. Her name was donna, Donna passed away from ALS (If your not sure what that is google is your friend). With ALS there is no cure, so no matter what you know death will come of you, Your just not sure when. And its super pain full, really pain full. And lets face it who in the hell wants to watch someone you love go threw that. In the end my mom lasted about a year after we were told what she had. That year felt like it was the longest year of my family’s life. We all did the best we could to make sure that she would be ok, But knowing in the back of your mind that she at some point will be gone is hard. I do what most people shouldnt do. I get what the doctors like to call going numb! this means you can deal with whatever you need to deal with and not really feel what you should be feeling. The problem with this is that after that person is gone you stay numb till one day you just start feeling everything all at once. You cant stop the thoughts and feelings, And these are all things you would have gone threw if you hadn’t gone numb. I took care of my mother on my own for the last 2 weeks of her life. She was in hospice and my father could not watch her die, My sister could not stay the night with our mom and my brother at the time was to young and pissed off at the world for what was going on. So I stayed with her alone just her and I. I would bush her hair make sure her mouth wouldn’t get dry( yes they have things for that). Watching your mom die is the hardest thing anyone will have to go threw let alone dealing with losing one. My Ptsd started after the numbing came off, I couldn’t sleep eat or feel happy! I keep reliving that moment I have so much guilt when it comes to my mom. I feel like i should have done more and I know how silly that sounds cuz you really cant do anything more then what i did for someone.I wake up everyday and hate who I have become, I am now divorced that will be for another day, But so far that my story of how I got PTSD 

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