Beneath the clouds

I find it funny that at this age I am in I still look to my imagination as an escape. I free my mind of all my stresses by closing my eyes and allowing fantasy and intrigue to guide me for minutes away from pressing problems. Sometimes its liberating and much appreciated, lately it has been saddening and anxiety fueled. My life feels in its current state a complete wreck. Questioning daily how I came to this point, what turn did I take that caused this disaster to ensue? Yeah pitiful. An adult female just wallowing in her own depressed funk. It seemed so simple to just envision a goal, somehow muster the strength to lift your weighted body from the depths of endless agony, and become that almighty free spirited person. It does not work like that, as I am sure anyone reading this can understand. I am battling depression. Yes there are many reasons that are logical for it. I had a terrible year last year and emotionally and physically I am spent beyond words. Finding the energy to just move along to daily routines are a struggle. Outlets are hard for me to really find, because I feel lost. I do not even know a starting point. When I encountered bouts of the depression years before I always had a bit of light to guide to where would be best to find comfort and ease. Not always reliant on people, sometimes just hobbies. Music was always a joy and writing of course a best friend. But lately these two go to’s are not doing much for me. The amount of it all is a fatal mix in my mind. Going through a health issue that has not guaranteed of success and dealing with relationship issues you never imagined you’d allow to happen, is simply draining. Reaching out for help is hard because I struggle with generalized anxiety as it is, and not feeling like I am burden to those I do cherish is not simple. Rationally speaking yes I get that they want to be there, and there is no way for them to even know how I am feeling if I do not speak, that does not change my demeanor. I have a firm resolve to this. My hope is by writing freely here I can start to pick up the damaged pieces of my life and polish them up and recover my person. Its a long road I can guarantee this but worth my time and attention nonetheless. I have no idea if this is a public journal yet- this literally is my first dance at this site. Praying for a miracle and opened to gaining faith. 

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