life as we know it

DAY 3

Lets start off by saying today just sucked…. again all started with having to get out of bed! Then Having to go to work lol I mean really who likes work?? I love my job i love the people I work with there are all great but some days i just dont wanna deal with life in its self,

So now that I have been with my husband for almost 7 years, and I lose the one person who understood me and new how much i was going threw, I get ptsd… I am crying all the time I cant wake up I have 4 kids who are counting on me and a husband who beats me… To be honest I though about killing my self, I really felt like everyone around me would have been better off with me out,

Before all of this crap happen I always did have struggle, I struggled with depression as a teen and use to cut my self alot.. now I know what your thinking most people do it for show so they can have people say omg look at her.. but I never showed anyone know one even new, Most people still to this day don’t know what really happen, At the age of 14 I was raped by a man and when i say man i mean man.. he was a lot older and well lets put it this way I didnt know alot about sex at the time and I wasn’t having any! But that wasn’t my choice I lost that choice after that happen I just kinda lost it. I started having sex. and I mean having sex lol… then i met a guy off the internet and ran away with him at the age of 16 and I have been on my own since, I was still cutting threw all of this it was a way that i felt good i felt like if i could feel pain then maybe i would know that i really was around and it wasn’t a dream. I feel like now to this day i still have days were I feel like that.. I have cut a few times( it really is hard to stop) i try everything to stop.. and its the last thing i want my kid to see.. that would break me,

If you ever meet me you would think i am this really happy person and that I am fun and loving and care for others( I do care ) but some days in side i am dieing. I have now moved about 2 day drive away from my ex and thank god for that i needed to get out of that town, I have a home and should be super happy and yet there are days i cant get out of bed still!!! but heres a tip if you feel that way push threw that feeling.. just tell your self you have to do it.. once up look at your self and say I AM GOOD ! then get on with your day. After work if you have had a bad day ( or get in to a fight with the boy friend like me) and you want to cut or feel sorry for your self or even want to say sorry to him ( thats from the past) call someone have that one person who you can yell at scream at and let it out at but they have to know you just needed to vent! my person has no clue how many times they have saved my life or my arms or legs from getting cut up! i am thank for them each day( and know it not my bf he would run away if he saw that)

 

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