I try to open myself to another opportunity to advance, to move forward, but sometimes I feel as though I don’t understand the lesson in front of me. This week’s lessons have been about vulnerability and making your own reality.
I’ll explain the first part. It’s easiest.
Vulnerability. It’s been a habit in practice for a good long while now, one lesson I don’t feel as though I am getting any better at. It’s one that I learn over and over again without so much more as an inkling to aid me in this entire endeavor. I’m working on becoming more opening with those around me and to distinguish trust again in other humans. But what can that all spell out? What can that all mean? In this never-ending spiral I always find myself dancing upon, when will I finally learn this lesson?
A quote came to me last night in a show I was watching. I paraphrase, but the gist of it was, “I used to insulate myself with everything I found to make me appear different. It insulated me for a while, made me feel protected. But as I felt protected, I realized that I had never felt so alone.” I feel as though I have done something along these lines in order to protect myself from the world which I feel has been unjust. But what is it to be “unjust”? That is a matter of subjectivity that I cannot find a steady foundation on. I stand on an island made of sinking sand that offers no safe harbor on that front.
Nevertheless, that really spoke to me. I haven’t felt connected with people in a long time, believing that every connection I have is made up, circumstantial… maybe even idealized. Who am I to any of these people? Why would I even matter in this brief course between us if you’re never going to get an idea of who or what I really am? What’s the big deal if all the relationships we have ever had with anyone only represent just one side of what it is to be… “me”? Why do we even bother when I feel like I will simply put on a false face or that you won’t even get a sense of what I am trying to convey? What difference is any of *my* vulnerability going to make in your life? Yes, maybe I can share these specific things with you, but in the end, what is it really going to matter?
Such nihilism in my own view.
This is something I have been at war with for years. I have heard it said that being vulnerable is a need in humans in order to understand the experience of being human. But at the same time, what for? What would be the reason why anyone wants to put their trust in someone when they know it likely won’t last? Nothing lasts forever. The connections and more fulfillment? Is that truly the answer that I am meant to have in order to make sense of all this?
I am not sure anymore. I want to participate in conversations, make connections…. There’s nothing I want more than a solid connection in this world when I feel like I have lost all of it. Sure, being up in WA close to my best friend has had its perks, but really… let’s take a look at that relationship. Are we really best friends? Sure we talk about everything, but if being trans in any way continues in my own life path… is that going to kill it because I have no longer declared myself to be a woman? Again, have I forsaken my femininity in honor of something I believe to be more powerful? This is my own eternal question that I have found no answer. Is this really what I am, or am I striving for attention due to my difference? Have I not received enough?
I guess the real question here is do I feel protected enough?
That I don’t even know the answer to.
I am in WA and I’m currently staying in a cabin with two other women. One of them knows about my nature and the other may have heard but hasn’t said anything about it. But when both of them are gone for the weekend sometimes, I am overcome with dread. I hate being in that cabin by myself. I become afraid that no one will hear me if someone were to harm me, that no one will be there to help me fend off an intruder. My anxiety surrounding these thoughts has left me in the weekend with no sleep, fearing for myself that someone or something wants to harm me. This fear is almost omnipresent in my life, that I won’t be able to defend myself. I am small. I am not that bulky. I try to appear menacing to ward off people but what I think that does it ward off the people that I would like in my life and attract those that have nothing to offer mine. Living a life trying to protect yourself, where your only mission is to be sure nothing is after you and calculating every “threat” that comes in is a special hell that few know about. Fearful of something, someone, anything trying to harm you all the time. But that cabin represents my mind, my solemn mind where I am alone… where I’m left to fend for myself against all the monsters that have been my own cannibalistic children to destroy me slowly as they eat away at the last sense, my last stronghold of my right mind that I have. I feel that they are there, no matter the supplements I take, no matter the distraction I choose. Not even the smoke I smoke helps to relieve me of my own made up fears, these shadows that haunt me with their current irrelevance in my life. Those fears are no longer valid, I tell myself. These thoughts cannot sustain us. We must work to find another method. There must be another way that doesn’t rob us of sleep, that lets rest happen. Because when we return back to where we are going, we will truly be alone. There will be no one to save us. Remember, I have thrown out my support network I had back in Texas. Even then, what did that mean to anyone? I guess I was just opening up to people, stepping down off my rock to be amongst people, to show them that I am human too. What a sham I believed myself to be. I kept people at arm’s reach for fear of discovery. To let someone in meant folly. To let anyone in and disrupt their dream of me meant that I could lose a valuable connection to feel important in one way or another. What the hell was I doing? I wasn’t living truth. I was living a lie.
At least that’s what I keep telling myself. But then again I have been living from one life to another and have changed identity to suit what’s around me. Am I just being trans just to fit the new “it” thing? Am I striving so hard to be different, to alienate myself so much that I chose to be this when it really isn’t what I am?
Why is this so difficult?