I’m back at college now, New College of Florida. It’s been about a month now but it feels a lot longer. Hurricane Irma came through Florida, and while it missed Sarasota, it still took off a week and a half of school. I stayed in ACE, the hurricane shelter on campus, during the day of the hurricane, which was pretty fun. I hung out with some friends and even took a yoga class while in there, so that made it worthwhile. Especially since before that, I had been feeling pretty isolated and wanted to meet some new people.
I’ve still been struggling with that, although I’ve made some progress. Now that classes have started up, it’s been easier. It was so hard to meet people when ¾ of the school was gone! I still think I’m going to transfer this semester to a SUNY, but I told myself I would try my best to make the most of my time here. I’m not really unhappy here, but it just feels like I could be happier at a larger school.
I’ve been crushing on this girl named Brianna, but I only talked to her for the first time today, right after our shared class. I felt so nervous during that class, like I had a knot in my stomach. I’m not really sure why, and I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt that way. I don’t think it has anything to do with Brianna, especially since I barely know her. Even after the class though I felt pretty anxious and had no appetite. I knew that while being nervous is normal and healthy even, the amount I was feeling today was not healthy. The shitty feeling continued into the evening, when I took a nap and did some self-reflecting.
I’ve become pretty good at reflecting since I practice it so much. It really feels like I can sit down and think through things in a healthy way without ruminating. Part of it is that I’ve learned when to self-reflect, not just how. When I try self-reflecting and it turns bad because I’m feeling bad, I immediately stop because I know it won’t be effective. So anyway, I thought about how I have been afraid to take risks with relationships and never really risked rejection. In the past, I have really only asked out girls I thought would say yes. However, since I’ve done EMDR that’s changed, with Jessie in Arizona and a few girls in France. Why should I stop now? I will admit though that it feels harder here. In France and Arizona, I would be socializing essentially nonstop. It was awesome! Here, not including Ben, I socialize the same in 1 week as I could in 1 day in Europe! That’s the real reason I want to transfer. I mean, I’m barely an introvert!
(This was written around Sep. 23)