I cant believe its been 2 months already since I’ve written in my journal. Time sure does fly. Well im glad that I took a break and put myself back together and I actually am still putting myself back together. So as for my life well let me tell you how much i’ve changed and how different my life is. I am so grateful from my heavenly father cause I said in my past journal entries everything happens for a reason and he knows what he does and well he definitely does. Ok so let me start off by saying is some of you wont understand my life cause I sometimes don’t understand my life and the choices I make to be honest it gets hectic and life has a funny way of changing whether it be for the better or for worst. In this case I would say its for the better. Definitely Better!! So the last entries you see are of my life when I was still living in Utah staying with my grandmother. Which until this day I am so thankful she was there for me through my hard times she is a great grandmother that I will forever love and cherish. Anyways you guys knew how I was writing about going to Georgia for 2 weeks supposedly and not knowing if I was staying or going. Ok so I got to Georgia it was weird to me at first cuase I mean 3 years away from my family it felt like forever. You’re talking about my little brothers and sisters grown up some even hit puberty. Not cool because they will always be little boogers to me. Ok so anyways I got there I felt weird I know I wasn’t supposed to because its my family but I mean it was almost 3 years and I didn’t know how they lived and acted as human beings. So I was way nervous plus I was there for all the wrong reasons to. I always saw myself going to visit them the right way with my husband. Paying my own ticket and talk about how great my life was and that it wasn’t as bad as it seems that I was happy and im completely fine being on my own because I know my parents and trust me when I say this they are completely judgmental like they might not see it but they are well lets just say they tell you like it is well my mom mainly. But still I didn’t want them to be worried about me because thats how they were worried all the time since they knew what I was living through and going through in Utah and I know how my mom would get cause she hated my soon to be ex husbands guts well all my family did. The reason was they knew that he was an asshole. They saw it but I didn’t I was blinded somehow by my stupidity of love or what I thought love was. Anyways I felt happy and excited even though I felt weird and nervous. Everything was good sort of those first few days except there was family drama when I got there already. My sisters were at a war with my parents about the bills and food and it felt like they were to it was crazy to me because at the same time the last time I saw them they were never being stingy or arguing with the food and they wouldnt act like high class girls or trying to show off in your face what they had. I knew I was going for the wrong reasons cause my dad had sent the money for me to go on a plane so I could be with them and be ok. So when I got there the judgements started my sister made remarks of me being there cause my ex husbandwas a piece of shit who didnt take care of me and I admited to that cause it was true he really was. So there was that but with all the drama once all that stopped and my dad stood up to them and they let out all there feelings it kind of calmed down and it felt nice. Trust me it was overwhelming with family drama. I wasnt use to seeing it in person anymore or hearing screaming like that yes that would happen with my ex husbandbut it wasnt the same. I knew how they were so at the same time I wasnt that suprised. After that I slowly started realizing that my family obviously wasnt the same like there was hatred in the air or jelousy. There was always arguments and someone always wanted to argue about any little thing wether it be the food or my little brothers being stingy or how the wifi wasnt working or the bills. I wasnt all that happy but what did I expect right? All things set aside I forgot to mention that when I was writing in my last journal entries I never explained a big part of my life. Which was Steward De La Rosa. Who is Steward De La Rosa you might ask. Well let me tell you and this is going to be a long story told short. He is my best friend who my uncle and aunt brought to utah back when my parents had lived there. They introduced him to us my cousin as his homie and my uncle and aunt said he was his friend but they treated him like family. Long story short they were mean to him and were stingy with the food with him and not at all treated him right. So he talked to my dad somehow made an agreement and moved in with us. At that point me and my family were already use to him and felt like he was a part of our family. Everyone but me. He always felt like someone that was different in the beginning but I didn’t know why. I then starting get to know him as a person and he was an amazing person who most of his life had always gone through a lot but somehow kept on moving forward no matter how hard life got for him he always figured out how to try and turn it around. He became my best friend. We became super close way before he moved in to my parents’ house. From conversations to hanging out and laughing nonstop about stupid things to even relationship advice he was my wingman, my go to person. We were so close that my parents had asked me several times if we were going out. I’m not going to lie I had fallen for him, because I felt he was different than any other guy. His soul is beautiful as a person and in that moment in time I held back from liking him because I felt no he won’t like me or no he doesn’t like me were just best friends. I thought this way, because we would talk to each other about other people we were talking to and gave each other advice. So I knew when he was liking another girl and so I always said nope he likes her so don’t say anything. So that’s how it stayed and then all that happened with my aunt and uncle. He moved in just like that at that point in time we had stopped talking we weren’t that close as we were. That’s when I was already going out with My ex husband. I never noticed when he told me this but now I see it steward said wow you’re going out with someone and you didn’t even tell me that was just not like you. You tell me everything. And I said well we had not talked in forever why would I tell you anything if we kind of grew apart but yes your right I didn’t no matter what I would but this time I didn’t. I guess cause maybe at that time I had kind of left the whole me and steward thing as just best friends but shut him out somehow without me knowing it. Well he moved in and so we became close again and I knew something was there cause with steward I was always happy around him we could talk about anything and time would fly.
Now when me and My ex husbandwere going out me and steward were getting close to so my he was getting jealous of him all the time but I explained he was my best friend and part of the family kind of. Then steward starting making My ex husbandmad on purpose he would do little things like try and flirt with me in front of him and lend me his jacket oh and he also bought me shoes. But I wouldn’t see it that way as if he liked me I just thought steward was being nice like a best friend should. My ex-husband always said he liked me so guess what one night we got drunk me, My ex-husband and steward. My parents had sent me and steward to drop My ex-husband off cause he’s my boyfriend and so we did. And well we got drunk at My ex-husband house well I was drunk steward drank but not as much as me I was super drunk I mostly finished a bottle by myself. So every time I’m drunk I tell my feelings and the truth so guess what happened we were on our way home to my parents and he was driving I was in the back seat and I said Steward I hate you so much and he said why what did I do and I said you are so dumb cause your acting like you like me now when I use to like you but I stopped cause I know you didn’t and there I said I use to like you and now your over here fucking up things for me and My ex husbandwhen I’m happy and your kind of making my feelings come back. And he said wait what you liked me well I liked you to. I said your lying he said no I liked you to why didn’t you tell me and I said cause I thought you wouldn’t and he said well I did actually I still do, I said what but I’m with My ex husband ugh I like you to but I’m with My ex-husband and I’m happy so that’s how it ended with feelings and sex. Sex yup we had sex that night which I felt bad cause I was with My ex-husband. I acted like nothing happened because I loved My ex-husband and steward coming back wouldn’t change that. Please keep in mind that I’m not perfect never was and that I take full responsibility that I’m a cheater. So that’s how it stayed I told steward not to tell My ex-husband that we had sex that night I would tell him. And he said ok but stewards kept coming back for more and I couldn’t help myself. The sex wasn’t just sex it was like our souls were magnifying and connecting while we had sex. I don’t know how to explain it. I should’ve broken up with My ex husband and tried to figure myself out on what I wanted but at that time I didn’t know how to do that. I was so into just trying it out to see what happens but at the same time I was in love with two guys I guess you could say but one was my love and one was my soulmate. Steward felt like he was just the one for me but at the same time I was cheating and that wasn’t right so I ended it with steward cause he didn’t want to be with me when I told him he made me fall for him and I’ll leave My ex-husband or him if he just would tell me and he said no and we both agreed on why it wouldn’t work out. So I stayed with My ex-husband because I loved him to only steward more. So I got hurt and he still would get My ex-husband jealous a lot because he wanted to be with me then my parents found out me and My ex-husband had sex so they wanted us to get married since I was trying to live with him at his parents’ house. so we both agreed cause we supposedly loved each other and at that time steward never cared it felt like so I said he loves me and I love him so why not. So then I agreed and we both did, we got married. The night before the wedding day or two nights before I talked to steward cause my parents said Dora steward told us he loves you and I said what in front of him they said that and I said why are you lying you told me no cause of Mireya the other girl he was talking to long distant and I said ok so were ok and now this. And my parents said idk go talk outside about it. So we talked and I told him that I already said I would leave him for My ex-husband and he said he loves me but that it shouldn’t be that easy for us to be together I said easy from where it has been easy. So then I said look you told me you don’t want to be with me then you do this you sound confused and I don’t want someone who’s confused I want someone to know. And I told him crying that he hurt me and he already told me no so I promise him one thing he will never forget me and with Mireya or any girl it won’t work out because we were meant to be but now that will never happen so I left crying inside. The marriage went on I married My ex husband steward cried a lot at my wedding. But it is what it is. Time went by and we had to leave to Texas and my parents said to take My ex husband to meet the family. So I took him and more drama happened steward and My ex husband were going to get in a knife fight in front of my family. It was crazy oh because at that point My ex husband knew I cheated on him because steward told him when we were still boyfriend and girlfriend and this point in time we were already married and by then I admitted it to him this before we got married but he still took me back because I loved him and him me. I told steward no for him whether he want to or not cause I’m not anyone’s oh yes maybe no and My ex husband knew he wanted me so why do that to him so I chose My ex husband. I loved that he didn’t care about sticking up for me but oh how he treated me bad and good at the same time and I like that to be honest. I just didn’t think he would take it too far and hit me. after that steward and my family stayed in TX and wanted me to stay and while I was there My ex husband didn’t want me talking to him so I stopped even though it was hard and did at first I stopped and became completely loyal to My ex-husband because we were married and I had promised myself and him that I wouldn’t do that ever in my marriage. But My ex husband was still paranoid and I didn’t blame him for it. But I showed him ways and reasons to trust me so I proved to him I was actually done so then it was all good from there until Utah happened again when we went back we were always struggling. He was a bad husband cause he wouldn’t provide mostly it was his dad giving him money. He would give him money but also make him work for it like a little kid doing chores. And then on top of that dealing with his family that was crazy to me they weren’t normal and were hypocrites. When My ex husband would work he would work the most a month and then be jobless again and this was going for two years. I had to work and keep a job to provide besides his dad helping us live.
Any who as you can see my life changed for the better? So back to steward now that you know the history behind him. He still remained there even if months would pass or years he was the one person I could talk to and call he was still my best friend no matter what. So when I was going through things with My ex husband reached out to steward that was when I was at my grandmas and My ex husband started treating me worst and told me he was talking to another girl I reached out to him and I told him what was happening and I think we’re getting a divorce and I was kind of upset and he promised me I would be happier without him. When I reached out to him I thought I hope his girlfriend doesn’t get mad that I’m talking to him or that he can talk to me cause if he has a girlfriend also the thought crossed my mind that he will not want to talk to me since I cut him out my life first so then I said to myself well then I’ll stop messaging him .So at first he never responded and he did to only one message or two so i got upset cause I was needing him to hear me out and trying to ask how he’s doing and well he wasn’t interacting but then he told me its cause he didn’t have a phone and he was borrowing a cousins just to message me so I felt bad and apologized. Our communication stopped because he didn’t have a phone and those days were just about getting packed and heading to Georgia. So the day came and I told my entire family bye from Utah and went on the plane for the first time. And once I got there me and stewy talked more and more once a week or every few days. So we started getting close again. So then he all of a sudden told me he was trying to head to Georgia to work over there because that’s where the season of blueberries jobs were. So he wanted to work again. So my dad sent for him he paid him back also and when he came I was nervous to go get him and he was to cause we had talked about old feelings that we always had and it never faded. So when the day came to go get him well it looked like he was acting weird it was weird to him but not to me he looked the same. He said it felt weird and i laughed told him to lighten up and he did. That night I was wondering so what’s going to happen, if nothing then it’s OK. We could be best Friends because I’m still not even divorced yet and if its meant to be its meant to be. Well that night it was when everything changed that day was July 29, 2017 he pulled me outside to talk to me alone and he poured his heart out and I was so nervous my heart was pounding so had and I was scared. He told me he has always loved me and that he went to Georgia for me mainly he said I mean yes to work and stuff but my main thing and reason why I was so in a rush cause you were here. So I that’s why im here and I want to be with you and try it out. Remember when you told me I would regret everything and it wouldn’t work out well you were right these past few years I couldn’t get you out my head or heart as much as I tried. I always had you in the back of my mind and dreams. I always hoped you guys wouldn’t work out because I was here waiting for you waiting for you to leave his no good ass. I was hoping you would see that I never left your side and your family’s side. I’m still here. I explained to him that im just getting myself together and I’m willing to go out with him under the circumstances but if he’s sure he’s willing to go through what im going through and he will be okay with it. He said yes he is he wants to be there for me to go through it together. So then he said do you want to be my girlfriend and I said yes. So that’s how our relationships started and now were going on 3 months this October 29.