Find Me

Today, you snuck back into my head and I felt the sting again. This past year and half, I’ve suffered so much loss. I’ve grown and changed in so many ways-more so, than any phase of my life and yet, I still think about you. I believed you were the missing piece that I needed, the man to fill the void I felt, or the man, who I believed that together, we were going to rule the world. I’ve never felt so connected or felt so much passion for one person. I can still feel the electricity that we felt as our lips touched or when our bodies were synced together. I still mourn for you and I still wake up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts of you. Sometimes feeling full of pain and regret and sometimes with the pain of loss. I trusted you, but It had come to the point that I didn’t even trust myself. The harsh cut-off was the worst, but I know it was the only way. You come and go, but you still linger in my head with flashbacks that haunt me.  I still feel the pain and the guilt when I look into my husband’s eyes and when I still long for you on those lonely nights when I waited for your call. Maybe I mourn for the man I thought you were and wanted you to be, or maybe it was the perfect world we created in our heads for each other. Now, I feel it was nothing but a selfish facade full of lies. I can’t help but still feel the pain that at times leaves me numb. This is not some pathetic attempt to win you back, but just to say thank you for opening my eyes to what love could be. Whether it was just lust or fantasy, I really felt it deep into my bones and you woke me up. I found myself torn between loving two people for very different reasons and it was not planned or welcomed, it just happened. I blame myself so much, but it was like this inevitable force that showed no mercy and I was drawn again to you from some comforting, distant memory of us as kids. Like I said before, loving two people is a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone and you always pay a price in this circumstance, but nevertheless, I still love you. As much as you hurt me, I will smile from afar, believing that you have found happiness and purpose and I hope it’s as real as you claim it to be and what you really want. That’s all I wish for you. There’s nothing I would do to change what we had, even though it was brief, it was beautiful. To me, it was true, but maybe for you it was fantasy. Maybe you never loved me like you told her-I’ll never know, but I do know that we had to end it. I was too weak to do it myself. I want to believe you really loved me enough to let me go because of the pain it was causing us both. What we have to sacrifice for the people we love is beyond or control sometimes and we have no other choice, but to let things go. Soulmates come into our lives to shake things up and to wake us from our mundane existence, to break old habits, so we can move forward. I believe we are soulmates, but our place together was not aligned with our current lives, it was for the lesson. The distance and the timing were also not in our favor, but our brief moments together were a gift. Just as I feel the rain on my face or the wind in my hair, I’ll still think of you in the quiet moments in my deep thoughts and I’ll see you there. Our lives crossed at the wrong times in this lifetime, but maybe it will be right in the next. I’ll be waiting so, please find me.

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