i’ve decided to take an honest look at my life. my life’s story is in my head every day. what i am…who i am…what i could have been..what i did wrong..how i grew up..how that made me who i am. constantly. every day. i’m not concerned with capital letters or correct placement of punctuation..although that is my forte. i’m only concerned with truth. and being real with myself and whoever is reading this. if no one reads this, that’s ok. i was still able to just get this out and perhaps be free of the daily struggle of who i am and what my life has become.
i’m 37. i have a 7-year-old. and i’m a stay at home mom to 1..maybe 3 kids. my girlfriend has 2 children that i look after while she works.
it’s been plaguing my mind for a while now. this reexamining of my life. wondering where i got all these insecurities from. brene brown talks about shame. and that’s what i have. i’m ashamed of myself and i’m not sure when/where that started. it’s sad when you realize you’ve been ashamed about yourself for most of your life. it wasn’t until recently that i could put a word to it. define it. acknowledge what it is. “if you can spot it, you got it”….my therapist used to say.
so, i’ve decided to start a narrative. maybe figure out the missing link. maybe put some of my old ways of thinking away. and adopt new, healthier ones. i need a change. i need to start focusing on everyday things, instead of evaluating and weighing every part of my life, everyday.
so…perhaps i should start from the beginning.