Time

Right now, time seems to be my worst enemy.  That, and myself.  I had been trying to hold off on figuring out my suspension ordeal so I can find a way to be able to drive but my parents went through my mail and found my citation so now they know that I can’t drive and of course they won’t let me drive on a suspended license so now I have no choice.  It’s out in the open.  In a way, it’s a relief because I don’t have to worry about it anymore and it’s done.  There’s nothing I can do.  They of course were mad but also understanding.  There’s no choice but for them to drive me to work and to wherever else I need to go but I doubt I’ll be going anywhere besides work for awhile at least.  I’ve always had an issue with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember so this has hit me pretty hard and I’ve spent a good amount of time in bed feeling sorry for myself.  But I know I can’t just waste away in bed forever.  I just have to pick myself up and try to move on as best as I can.  Otherwise it’ll kill me.  I do have a few friends and my parents to support me so I should consider myself lucky to even have that.  People have been through a lot worse situations than I have and have managed to pick themselves up and make their lives for the better.  I just hope I’m strong enough to be one of those people.  It’s just hard right now because it’s so recent and I know it’s going to take time for me to accept and adapt.  I’ve been driving since high school and it’s an independence thing.   Not being able to go to the store, or run errands, or take my solo road trips is going to take some getting used to.  I just have to figure out a way to take my mind off things that I can do at home, anything really that will give me some sort of happiness.  It’s just going to take time.  Thankfully I finally got my refill of Xanax sorted out and I have an appointment with my doctor coming up so hopefully she can help me get through this tough time somehow.  I just know that after all this is done, if I can make it, that I’m going to need something good to happen.  Maybe now that I’m kind of trapped at home I can actually start saving for a much needed vacation once I can get my license back.  It’ll be something to look forward to and I’ll only appreciate the vacation that much more.  So we’ll see what happens as time goes on.  I’m going to do my best but I know some days will be harder than others.  The only thing I can do now is try. 

2 thoughts on “Time”

  1. I’m sorry to hear that. I know this is last year but I hope you are doing well. Everybody have their downfalls and everybody have that somebody whether it be 1 person 5 people or none at all and is able to get themselves up. What is most important is that you believe in yourself. You said that you are very independent so you have to depend on yourself most of all. When you got others helping you just know that you are not alone at all and its ok to get help from others once in awhile. Its ok to depend on others and show weakness to your loved ones so they know that they can be there for you. That you want them there. I believe you are a very strong independent person. I hope you got that vacation you wanted. Also don’t force thoughts of something good HAS TO happen. All you need is positive thoughts and that things will go the way its suppose to. Even if you feel down and sad, just put a sentence a word, anything in between every few minutes or hours of positive thoughts. Like, “I love myself. I love my family. My life is a blessing. Thank God I’m alive!” Anything you want to think of, keep these thoughts inside you. 🙂

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