My Conditions

I’ve written about this before, but I feel that I need to write about it again because so many people don’t seem to understand why I behave the way I do. They seem to be of the impression that I have the ability to magically change how I am or that my life isn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be. So I need to make this perfectly clear to everyone.

My Conditions

I have several mental conditions that impact the way I behave on a DAILY BASIS. Are there treatment for these conditions? For some, there are. However, the quality of care for these conditions in Huntington WV is absolutely appalling. I’ve attempted several times to seek therapy / medication for these conditions, and the results have always been unsuccessful.

I have been through Talk Therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy, Rational Emotive behavior therapy, Electroshock Therapy, and several different types of drug therapy since I was 2 years old.

I had a 3 week stay in Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic in Pittsburgh after suffering a mental breakdown due to the after-effects of being brainwashed by Jay Nelson.

I am not going to spend the next 58 years of my life trying unsuccessful therapy and medication that has more dangerous side effects than helpful effects to treat my conditions.

I have had to cope with these conditions for 34 years of my life, and they have made me absolutely miserable. I am in a constant state of suffering, every single day, and living in a town that doesn’t offer ongoing mental support or social support for people with these conditions, makes it even worse.

So, if after you read about my conditions below. If you feel that you cannot accept me for who I am,  and understand that 90% of this is out of my control, and that I’m not aware that I’m behaving the way I am, then please don’t agree to be friends with me.

Here are the conditions that I have: 

Mild Mental Retardation

Mild Mental Retardation is an impairment of cognitive skills, adaptive life skills, and social skills. Individuals with Mild Mental Retardation are slower to learn new skills and concepts than others. people with this condition are unable to perceive non-verbal cues in social situations, and may be viewed as emotionally immature by others.

These people are often exhibit obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and may need frequent reminders about appropriate social conduct. Mild Mental Retardation impairs adaptive skills, which means that people with this condition may need help performing the tasks of day-to-day life. These individuals tend to be disorganized, clumsy, and forgetful.

Individuals with Mild Mental Retardation struggle to differentiate concrete and abstract concepts. Figurative language (metaphors, similes, idiomatic expressions, etc.) is typically quite confusing to them.

Borderline Personality Disorder –  

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to days.

Some people with BPD also have high rates of co-occurring mental disorders, such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and eating disorders, along with substance abuse, self-harm, suicidal thinking and behaviors, and suicide.

While mental health experts now generally agree that the label “borderline personality disorder” is very misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.

People with borderline personality disorder may experience extreme mood swings and can display uncertainty about who they are. As a result, their interests and values can change rapidly.

Seemingly ordinary events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with borderline personality disorder may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.

Major Depression – 

Major depressive disorder (MDD), also known simply as depression, is a mental disorder characterized by at least two weeks of low mood that is present across most situations.It is often accompanied by low self-esteem, loss of interest in normally enjoyable activities, low energy, and pain without a clear cause. People may also occasionally have false beliefs or see or hear things that others cannot.Some people have periods of depression separated by years in which they are normal while others nearly always have symptoms present. Major depressive disorder can negatively affect a person’s personal, work, or school life, as well as sleeping, eating habits, and general health.

Major depression significantly affects a person’s family and personal relationships, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health. Its impact on functioning and well-being has been compared to that of other chronic medical conditions such as diabetes.

A person having a major depressive episode usually exhibits a very low mood, which pervades all aspects of life, and an inability to experience pleasure in activities that were formerly enjoyed. Depressed people may be preoccupied with, or ruminate over, thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness, hopelessness, and self-hatred.

In severe cases, depressed people may have symptoms of psychosis. These symptoms include delusions or, less commonly, hallucinations, usually unpleasant. Other symptoms of depression include poor concentration and memory (especially in those with melancholic or psychotic features), withdrawal from social situations and activities, reduced sex drive, irritability, and thoughts of death or suicide. Insomnia is common among the depressed. In the typical pattern, a person wakes very early and cannot get back to sleep.Hypersomnia, or oversleeping, can also happen. Some antidepressants may also cause insomnia due to their stimulating effect.

A depressed person may report multiple physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, or digestive problems; physical complaints are the most common presenting problem in developing countries, according to the World Health Organization’s criteria for depression. Appetite often decreases, with resulting weight loss, although increased appetite and weight gain occasionally occur. Family and friends may notice that the person’s behavior is either agitated or lethargic. Older depressed people may have cognitive symptoms of recent onset, such as forgetfulness, and a more noticeable slowing of movements. Depression often coexists with physical disorders common among the elderly, such as stroke, other cardiovascular diseases, Parkinson’s disease, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

Depressed children may often display an irritable mood rather than a depressed mood, and show varying symptoms depending on age and situation. Most lose interest in school and show a decline in academic performance. They may be described as clingy, demanding, dependent, or insecure. Diagnosis may be delayed or missed when symptoms are interpreted as normal moodiness.

Generalized Anxiety – 

An anxiety disorder characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry, that is, apprehensive expectation about events or activities. This excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, as individuals with GAD typically anticipate disaster, and are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, death, family problems, friendship problems, interpersonal relationship problems, or work difficulties. Individuals may exhibit a variety of physical symptoms, including feeling tired, fidgeting, headaches, numbness in hands and feet, muscle tension, difficulty swallowing, upset stomach, vomiting, diarrhea, breathing difficulty, difficulty concentrating, trembling, irritability, sweating, restlessness, insomnia, hot flashes, rashes, and inability to fully control the anxiety.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – 

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Like PMS, premenstrual dysphoric disorder follows a predictable, cyclic pattern. Symptoms begin in the late luteal phase of the menstrual cycle (after ovulation) and end shortly after menstruation begins. On average, the symptoms last six days but can start up to two weeks before menses. The most intense symptoms occur two days before the start of menstrual blood flow through the first day of menstrual blood flow. The symptoms should cease shortly after the start of the menstrual period

The symptoms in PMDD can be both physical and emotional with mood symptom being dominant. The most debilitating symptoms are emotional and include “irritability, depression, mood lability, anxiety, feelings of ‘loss of control’, difficulty concentrating and fatigue.” The physical symptoms include “abdominal bloating, breast tenderness, headache and generalized aches.”

Dyskenetic Cerebral Palsy – 

Dyskenetic Cerebral Palsy causes slow, uncontrolled movements of the extremities and trunk. Small, rapid, random and repetitive, uncontrolled movements known as chorea may also occur. Involuntary movements often increase during periods of emotional stress or excitement and disappear when the patient is sleeping or distracted. Patients experience difficulty in maintaining posture and balance when sitting, standing, and walking due to these involuntary movements and fluctuations in muscle tone. Coordinated activities such as reaching and grasping may also be challenging. Muscles of the face and tongue can be affected, causing involuntary facial grimaces, expressions, and drooling. Speech and language disorders, known as dysarthria, are common in CP patients. In addition,  patients may have trouble eating.  Squinting and uncontrollable eye movements may be initial signs and symptoms.

Conclusion

I hate who I am. I never asked to be this way. You think it’s fun for me feeling like Jekyll and Hyde everyday? Or that I loose my shit over the smallest things? Or that I constantly loose friends because I am incapable of controlling my conditions?

I never had friends growing up in school, I’ve never been allowed to go to college (due to being on Social Security) I’ve never been allowed to have a job (due to being on Social Security) I’ve never had appropriate social skills because no one would teach me as they felt I wouldn’t remember the information I learned, my entire life I’ve been called a retard, a dumb fuck, a mental case. I’ve been told by my family repeatedly that I would never amount to anything, ever because of the conditions I have. I’ve had doctors tell me there’s no hope for me living any kind of independent life because of my disabilities, I will always have to be looked after.

Do you know, what that does to someone? No, you probably don’t. Because it’s never happened to you. Well, let me tell you what it’s done to me… I’m miserable. Every day, I wish that I could die so that my incessant suffering will come to an end. 

Living in Huntington WV makes everything worse. There is nothing to do in the area, it’s one of the reason so many people out here do drugs, because there are no age appropriate activities available unless you’re either wealthy, a very young child, or severely elderly. 

Doing internet radio has been the only thing that’s put a smile on my face. It’s the only thing that’s kept me from killing myself sooner, it gives me meaning to my endless useless days, I tried running businesses on Second Life, but they die after a few months because hardly anyone goes on there anymore. I’ve tried to be a DJ in Second Life but no one attends my sets. 

I’d love to be a Mobile DJ in the area but I doubt that would get much business since most people out here prefer live musicians, worse yet, we’re completely poor and I still need $3,000 to get started. Don’t even get started saying “Oh, start a GoFundMe” those are bullshit, no one has ever donated to my cause, and no one will. 

So what do I do all day? Nothing. I sit in bed, watch Netflix, listen to music, watch Netflix again, listen to more music. Welcome to my miserable existence on earth. 

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