Friday October 20th

Bad, bad day. I am back in Lexington. I am really depressed. I have no money, I got so much bad news today about my job it’s sickening. I can hardly talk about it. I have given u ptwo years of experience credit by going to New York mid year like an idiot. I have fucked up my salary for this year. My career was all that was left, so I had to jack that up too. 

I am staying with Brent and Noah. Tonight is my 3rd night here and it is absolutely breaking my heart in two to be this close to Brent. Why does he hate me so much? Why won’t he give me a chance? 

I hate myself so much. I have ruined my life and I have no hope of straightening it out. My townhouse looks like shit. The carpet stinks like pee and the walls are all beat up and have nails in them- nothing was done after the last person moved out. the carpet is dirty, too. I feel as bad- or nearly as bad as I did when I moved away from here. I am back to killing myself depressed again. I have been crying all evening. I promised Noah I wouldn’t act like this if I came back here. I thought about going to the townhouse and sleeping on the floor tonight because I am so depressed I didn’t want to be here with Noah seeing me.

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