Lately I have been going through it and I’ve been seeing everyone happy and all motivated. I’ve lost a lot of my motivation since papa died and it sucks because I’ve been going on this journey to find it again. Yeah things aren’t the way they were but I should have been readjusted by now. I used to work out and now I just stopped. I used to care about my studies and I have also stopped giving a shit. I have a mother that is a vapid narcissist and a dead daddy that won’t be here to save the day. I have a boyfriend that loves me so much and I love him too but, I can’t fill that void of emptiness. I feel like ive been outcasted by my friends that I used to be close to years back but I guess things change and evolve. All I have been doing at this point is survive and I am tiered of surviving. I just kind of want to quit but I know I can’t quit because if I do the consequence will be too great. I am losing my momentum and I have come to a stop that has me stuck in tar. I’ve been feathered for the humiliation and the amusement of others and I cant find out who did it to me.
This journey to happiness and motivation has been the hardest journey that I have done yet. So far it has been more of a war than a journey. I personally don’t see what is so great about me. I feel like a failure that doesn’t do shit but the same routine that will never change because I’m not privileged and I don’t get shit handed to me. I bust my ass so hard to end up being in the same place. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have so much going on and I feel like I need to be high so that I can be numb and not deal with anything.