Sunday October 22nd

I am feeling a little better today. Moving is so hard. It’s really stressful, not having my stuff here AND feeling sick with worry about how much they are going to try to charge me when they get here. I am getting scared about that because they jacked up the price by almost 2000 when they picked up my stuff. I have to call that woman today that I talked to originally. I am such a mess right now. Once I have this move behind me, I’m cleared to work, I have started getting paid, I will be better. My first check is 11/15. I can get a cash advance on my Capital One card. If I don’t get another paycheck from NYC DOE, that is what I will have to do. I may have to do that, anyway, depending on when my movers get here. 

I am at Brent’s. It has been tough staying here. Yesterday, when I came in from meeting with my landlord, he was watching the UK game in his room. The door was open, though, so I went in. I managed to sit beside him on the bed until he turned the game off. It is so hard for me to try to be patient. I know I cannot make any sudden moves, or it will just end in disaster. I have to not rush it. I don’t understand why he’s like this, but I cannot change it, so I have to just work with it. I do feel like he is maybe a little less guarded. However, that may only be because he thinks I have given up on the idea of us being together. This is painfully hard for me. But, clearly there is no one else or he wouldn’t be letting me stay at his house, right? I mean, what woman would let her bf’s exwife stay with him? 

Later, that same day…

I went to dinner with Noah and Brent. It is so hard to love someone that doesn’t love you back and have to be around them and act like nothing is wrong when everything is wrong. I get so frustrated because I can’t understand why he’s being this way. Why is he rejecting me? He doesn’t have anyone else, he is alone, it would make the children so happy and all our lives would be better if we were together, so why is he doing this? It is beyond frustrating. 

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