Day 0- No Contact

I’m about to attempt to do my best to do no contact with an EX for 30 days. We’ll call her Jennifer. It’s a little different given the circumstances, but hopefully by the end of day 30, I’ll be able to accept the results and be happy (happier than I currently am at least).

Disclaimer:

Please don’t judge the relationship based on what’s written in the “breakup” section. It was a very happy and fulfilling year long relationship that had major fundamental problems that needs to be worked on. Read the “breakup” section with consideration that I can’t fit a year’s worth of intimate feelings and memories within a few short paragraphs.

Format:

This Day 0 entry will be the longest entry. It’ll define the entirety of the breakup and provide some backstory. I’ll begin every entry with my health attributes (appetite and weight) and end with identifying where I am in my thoughts and feelings.

The breakup:

We broke up on 10/16/17. We dated for a year and stress kept piling on the both of us to the point where we both broke. She is 20/f and I am 22/m. Communication was very hard for her because she was “raised to run and hide from her problems” because her mother was abusive. Communication was very hard for me because of constant neglect and rejection, so I’m not used to being open about what I wanted.

The main problem we had in our relationship was my want for her to improve as a person. When we met, she was very vulgar, inconsiderate, and immature. Her time with me and my family changed all of that, but instead of appreciating all of her hard work, I kept asking for more. I kept getting mad at her every time she was being inconsiderate or obnoxious. It was very selfish of me to push her to change so quickly and so bluntly.

So on the night of the breakup, we fought about her hiding the fact that she went to hang out with her friends instead of going on a family vacation with my parents. She told me she was “too sick to go” and that she was “in bed playing video games all day.” So after fighting, she told me that she can’t do this anymore and that I can find someone better. “All I do is make excuses for myself and blame other people.” I understood and we broke up.

Today marks week 1 of the breakup and I realized how selfish I’ve been in the relationship. It was toxic because she was too dependent on me and I was too dependent on her dependency. Since I was neglected and rejected all the time, I really basked in her attention and her dependency because it made me feel important and because she was taught to run and hide, she relied on me to solve everything for her. I’m working on it and hopefully she is too.

The given circumstances:

1. We broke up amicably. She takes full blame because she wants to improve herself and not be so dependent on me. (I literally did everything for her because she moved to my city with no friends or family or assets).

2. No contact isn’t really no contact. I’m the president of a massive organization and she is the lead event organizer. (See section “boundaries”)

3. She lives with a roommate that’s almost never there. She has no close friends or family in the city. She’s alone most of the day.

4. We still love each other.

5. Neither of us want to hate each other.

6. We both understand that we need space away from each other to grow to not be toxic or parasitic.

7. We both laid everything out a few days after the breakup and got the closure we needed.

Set boundaries:
1. We can message each other about work.

2. No messaging each other’s friends to check up on the other.

3. Respect the needed space and boundaries.

Health:

Appetite- Barely there

Weight- 186 lbs (I was 192 lbs when we broke up)

Yesterday:

Yesterday, I stared at the green dot next to her name on facebook for 3 hours because every single person in my support system was busy with stuff. I knew her so well, I could tell what she was doing with her activity patterns. I knew that being active on facebook for a long period of time meant that she was in bed, unable to move, just like me.

It killed me on the inside. One moment from the breakup kept replaying in my head. She asked me, “What if I regret?” I told her “You and I are going to wake up tomorrow missing each other like crazy… and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

Dream:

Today, I woke up remembering the dream I had about her. I was going on vacation with one of my exes that I haven’t spoken to in 2 years. When I got to the hotel, Jennifer was waiting for me. “I got here before you!” she said excitedly. Her excitement turned to shock when she saw my other ex accompanying me.

The dream ended with her confronting me. “You need to choose… me or her?” I didn’t choose her and I walked away. After walking for 5 minutes, I let go of my other ex and ran back to Jennifer. That’s when I woke up. I figured that was me letting go of my past and being clear that I really wanted her back.

Today:

After watching my mother and sister eat breakfast (I still don’t have an appetite), I told them I wasn’t going to class today. I spent my day accompanying my mom on her errands and reflecting on everything. When I got home, I stared at her active green dot for another hour.

That’s when I broke. I decided to message one of her friends to see if she could tell me how Jennifer was holding up. Message sent. Her friend was not happy in her replies at all. I let it go and watched a movie to get my mind off things.

After the movie, Jennifer messaged me. She was very angry. “Please don’t message my friends.” We fought about it because I threw it back at her. “You asked my sister the same exact question I asked your friend during the event last week.” We apologized for overstepping our boundaries, but I still accepted full responsibility for this MAJOR fuck up. She reiterated her need for space from me and heavily emphasized that she’s doing her best to respect the boundaries that we agreed upon. I told her I was removing her from all social media and games because I can’t deal with that damn green dot. I only told her because I didn’t want her to misunderstand and think I was moving on… I’m still very much in love with her.

After that fight, I talked to a close friend of mine and got scolded by her. I burned the bridge unnecessarily, but I know it’s for the best. While taking a shower, I thought of this journal idea, and here I am.

Where I am
I miss her, but now I understand completely. I knew from day one that we’d have to grow up and move on before even considering getting back together, but her resolve is a lot stronger than mine. I’m very sad.

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