the idea of a life so dead and dull, it makes me breakdown. i dont even want it. whats the point? what the hell am i suppose to do now?
i don’t know why i am so emotional, but it hurts so fucking much. its unbearable. i cant seem to calm my volatile depression. i know its not smart to lose touch of reality, but my heart, my stupid heart craves the darkest thoughts i can think of.
and the thought of tomorrow is so hard. i cant fucking bare the idea of having to wake up tomorrow morning and have to fake it for other people. its becoming too much of a painful burden again. ive been cutting myself all day, its the only way i feel like i can breathe and let go of the anxiety that bottles up over the day. but at the same time, looking at what i’ve done to my body, i feel ashamed. why am i like this?
its 2:40 AM and i haven’t slept. i have a class at 8am.
what helps is the alcohol. im becoming dependent on numbing myself.
sometimes what i like to do to fall asleep, besides getting drunk, is picturing one of the most beautiful places ive ever been to; kodiak island, alaska. i was fifteen and my family took a summer vacation to alaska. i picture the beautiful scenery, the wildlife, the water, the clear sky, the lush green woods. even the little towns and villages were welcoming and warm, amidst all of that beauty. that would be my version of heaven.