I don’t know

I don’t really know where to start, nothing makes sense anymore and my thoughts are constantly screaming. Getting through a day, fake the smile and pretending to be ok has become exhausting. I manage to make it through but when the dark sets in and the chaos of the day subsides my hell comes to life and the demons take hold. I’ve started many journals everyone says it will help but they don’t last long they become misplaced or damaged and I give up. I’m tired of the biggest lie I tell eveyday just to make everyone else feel better. I’m not ok, no one would understand what that really means. I don’t want to bother them, their happy lives and peaceful smiles with the truth of what my heart holds. The thoughts that consume my mind, the demons that hold me at night and the lies that wipe my tears. I’m so tired of being strong, tired of settling, tired of just being. The chaos is consuming and the pain over whelming. not sure what this is suppose to do or if it even makes much sense. I know it doesn’t make sense, I don’t understand it myself. I try to keep it together and I’ve gotten really good at it that was up until about 3 years ago and it seems hell has broke apart. I don’t know where to go from here I don’t know how to pretend I’m ok, I don’t know how to pull it all back together. The ways I went about it the first time are no longer an option. I don’t know how to do this and I’m simply losing my mind. I make it through the days… I go to work, do the whole mommy thing, but then at the end of the day when all the chores are done and my angels are sleeping, my demons come out and wrap me, they hold me through the night. On the outside I guess I look like I’m doing alright, and the the I’m ok just tired is convincing but the truth is I’m not ok and I’m not as strong as people seem to think I am. But I don’t have the courage to tell them the truth that I hide.

I don’t know who I am any more, I’ve seemed to of forgotten her and I can’t even tell you when the last time I was actually me was. I had to of been very young, because the first happy, truly intoxicatingly happy memory I have was when I was a little girl. It was Easter I remeber the yellow dress my grandmother had put me in, I guess that was the way it started because where I remeber being unbelievably happy but I also remeber being told that I needed to change the way I was. My grandmother told me that I needed to act like a girl instead of a boy and my whole life changed from that point. And every since I have been the person everyone has thought I should be.

Who am I?

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