[101] ~*Tue – 10/24/17*~

[11:46 am]

I just don’t know what to think anymore. This is really my father all over again. I woke up around 9 am this morning when hub came to bed and of course, when he comes to bed I check the time. I saw I had a missed called from mom and also a voicemail. Right away I knew something was wrong. I asked him if my mom had called the home phone and he said yes, that my brother was in a coma. I called my mom and she was on her way to the hospital, said she’d call me back around 11 when she’d be there with more information. I tried to fall back asleep but I couldn’t. I was just tossing and turning, wondering if I should go see him. He’s in a coma so obviously even if I go, he won’t really know that I’m there BUT my dad was in a come when I went to see him and he passed like an hour after I was there. My father was left on his own as we knew it was the end, my bother is on a machine. My father felt into a coma himself, my brother was put into a coma cause he had a hard time breathing but his heart is weak so I know I have to still go see him as if something happens I will regret not going to see him. They were supposed to send him to another hospital today to do some heart tests so that’s why I hadn’t planned on going to see him but this changes everything.

Hub had just came to bed at 9 so that said, he doesn’t really want to get up right now as he’s tired. I understand but I’m still upset at him. When I got the call for my dad I went to the bedroom, as he was in bed, and told him my dad was on his death bed. That husband of mine got out of bed so darn quick and told me “let’s go!”. I hadn’t even asked to go see my dad. This time, he wants to sleep. He didn’t say “let’s go!” for my brother and it’s making me super upset. I wasn’t crying up until I just wrote this down. It’s my big bro, my godfather, how can he not seem to care. I asked him if he was coming, he said he wanted to sleep so I said “so you’re not gonna come?”. He said he wanted to sleep until 1 and even to that, I don’t even know if he’s gonna get up. He doesn’t have to drive, I called my friend to see if she would drive us. At first I wanted her to drive cause I knew hub was tired and I was still under the effect of the pill but by 1 I should be fine. She’s still willing to come so I think I will take that. I just don’t know what makes me more upset right now, to know my brother isn’t well at all or to see my husband not really care about it. My heart is just breaking, I want to scream and punch something.

We also had an appointment for one of the car’s safety today and I wasn’t sure if I could just drop the car off and go pick it up tomorrow. I know I always do it at the garage where I go with the older car but since it’s the dealership, I wasn’t sure they were gonna do it. I called and the girl said it was fine. I rather take the newer car when we go for long drives but I don’t want to wait too long for its safety in case it does need some work done. Shouldn’t but never know.

So I called my mom to tell her we’d be leaving around 1 pm and would be there around 2:30 pm. She said she was currently not alone, that her sister was in town and had went to see her so that’s good. Poor mom! I don’t know how she does it. First my dad, now my brother. She’s always running around for someone who’s sick. She surely is a strong ass woman.

Anyways, I have an hour to wait and I don’t know if I should sit here and watch a show or go get my friend and go eat or I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I keep hoping he’ll be alright but then again, he’s in such a bad shape that.. Gaw! I want to text my other brother right now so bad to let him know but what good will that do?! He’s more than likely at work right now and I’d be just screwing up his whole day. I need to keep myself from texting him and wait till tonight.

My body just feels so heavy right now, it’s like I can feel the heaviness of each body part. I also have that feeling in my head where I’m there but not there, like if my head is floating. I feel like I need to puke and I’m starting belly cramps due to my “fake” periods which are just pissing me right off right now. I still don’t understand why I’m doing this to myself. It’s not the time and place to talk about this problem of mine but it is just adding up to the pain I am living at this moment.




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