128 – move on

Having a hard time getting started today. Had a great time with my family this past weekend.  S and I went down to see them. My mom’s and sister’s birthdays are next weekend.  I needed to see my mom. Had a nice afternoon on Saturday driving around the east end. Went to a fall festival in EH. Had dinner at my brother and SIL’s house.  Everyone was there. S had a great time hanging out with his cousins. I’m so glad he had the opportunity. I commented to H and he agreed that they kids are different when we have them one on one.  S was a really great travel companion. He was very attentive to me and everyone else. H said the same of D. They went to see my MIL on Saturday. We have such great kids. S was very concerned about missing school on Monday. Such a difference from a couple of years ago.  When we got back to town yesterday afternoon he got right into homework. Both are such good students.  So proud of them.

I would really rather be anywhere but here right now. But I am here. And there is nothing I want to do about that badly enough right now. I just wish I could make myself like what I do. I just don’t want to. It really isn’t a matter of can or can’t. It’s about wanting or not wanting badly enough. I think what I want is to be fired. Honestly. That would be my easy out of this job that I have no interest in. But how humiliating would that be? How many excuses will I have to come up with to protect my ego? H would be very hard on me about it. I don’t think I can go through that again.  It would be so much nicer if I found another job and quit this one.  I need to find the confidence and passion to find another job. I don’t want to get back into this field again. I could probably get another position with another company fairly easily. I interview fairly well. I have experience. But I just have no passion for this work. And I end up miserable. And set up for failure. I want to finish the online course I started.  I want to finish it during lunch here at my desk. Today. That is what I will do.  1 step at a time.

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