Day 1- Signs everywhere

Health:

Appetite- Surprisingly present

Weight- 185 lbs

Dream:

Nothing. I can’t remember. It’s been a long day.

Today:

Today is the first day I didn’t have her on social media. I still broke. I logged onto the company facebook account and checked to see when she was last active the second I woke up. Just as I thought, “Last Active: 3 Hours Ago.” Her upstairs neighbors were stomping at 5am again so she couldn’t sleep until 6am. Seeing her on facebook jolted me so hard that I decided to log off the company facebook and resist doing that again. 

My plan was simple today, accompany my mom around the city while she runs errands. We’ve been doing this since the breakup because I didn’t want to be alone. She’d always ask me if I wanted to go anywhere after dropping my sister off at school. Today, I did. I told her I wanted to go to church. I wanted to turn to religion to hopefully pull from an additional source of strength. I’m not a very religious person, but every time I prayed, things got weird. 

During my last breakup and prayer,  I started seeing very specific signs around town. Like, helping customers at work with the exact same names as my ex’s family in order. Her family didn’t have common names either. My favorite “sign” was literally a billboard. It was a mix of my ex’s first name and the person she cheated on me with’s last name. That was bullshit.

Anyway, so after church, I accompany my mom to Ross. It was my first time in public since my event last week and I quickly became claustrophobic. I frantically looked for my mom and found her in the shoe section. It didn’t occur to me that the last time I was at Ross, I was with my ex buying her shoes. It only occurred to me when I saw the exact pair she owned on the shelf, right next to my face, right behind my mom. I didn’t think much of it until I noticed that throughout the entirety of this store, that was the last pair of that shoe. I looked up and down the shoe aisles. Nothing. Just that singular pair that so happened to be right next to my face the second I found my mom. Sign? Maybe. Does it matter? No. 

After Ross, we had to go to my mom’s doctor to pick up her prescription. I put the address on my phone’s GPS and started talking to my mom about this whole no contact thing. After twenty minutes of driving, my mom looked lost. “I’ve never taken this way to the doctor’s before.” My phone’s GPS was still directing us. Apparently, there was an accident on the freeway that caused us to go on a detour. This detour made us pass by my ex’s high school (my ex took her senior year in my city). Neither of us knew that my ex’s high school was right next to her doctor’s office. Sign? Maybe. Does it matter? I’m very freaked out.

The errands take us 4 hours to finish and we head home. I spend the rest of my day surfing /r/ExNoContact and just talking to people that are going through what I’m going through. One of the mutual friends that’s part of our support system messages me throughout the day telling me “Don’t expect to get back together. She’s obviously not interested.” It starts to bother me. He shouldn’t give me his opinion, our relationship was extremely private. The only way I’ll ever accept the possibility of never reconciling is if she tells me herself. 

I’m seeing her activity on discord. She hasn’t been on all day. That means she’s in bed crying. It doesn’t bother me as much as it did yesterday. She logs onto discord to play two games of Overwatch, then she logs off again. I know this because we are feeling the same thing right now. It’s hard being salty and sad. 

I came up with a roadmap for this difficult journey! 30 days doesn’t seem so bad if you keep busy. 

Week 1- Major event for my organization this Saturday. Yes, my ex and I will be working together, but I’ll be too busy and stressed to hold any real conversation. 

Week 2- Another major event for my organization that Saturday. This time, it’s an all nighter event. The only thing stressful about this event is the length of time. Aside from that, it’s really easy and quite boring. She might make contact due to sheer boredom. I’m probably not going to be ready to talk.

Week 3- Mom’s birthday vacation! My parents are taking the family to Washington DC. We do this every year for my mom’s birthday. I can only hope to be a functioning human being instead of this weak and sluggish parasite. 

Week 4- I will be alone. My mom will be out of town and the rest of my family will be at school and work. No major events or anything of the sort to distract me. It’s my reflection time. At the end of week 4, it will be close to 30 days and I will know where I stand. I can only hope to be a bigger, better, and stronger person. I’ll take that time to see where I stand on this relationship. 

Week 5- This week will symbolize the end of her plan to improve herself. She planned to go back to her hometown with her mother to celebrate Thanksgiving to find closure with all of her friends and rebuild relationships with her family. Once she comes back from Thanksgiving, she’ll never visit her hometown again. Her mom is moving to California. Maybe she’ll miss me. Maybe she’ll grow. Maybe she’ll look for me. If she does, she knows where to find me. I’m her “boss” and I’m always a message away.

Where I am

I’m still sad. I’m more accepting that the relationship we once had is gone and the people we once were are dead. I replied to a reddit post today summarizing my brother’s journey through no contact that resulted in his relationship reviving and thriving for 9 years. I reread that summary 4 times today. It really helps me get through the waves of sadness. “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” I have to let her go to improve myself as a person. She won’t come back to me, I don’t want her to. I do hope our paths cross again in the future. I hope we’ll meet in a better place as better people. Only then, will I accept reconciliation if given.  

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