Tattooed Soliloquy

Last night we made love. 

I spent the last month imagining what it would be like to see you again, what I would do as soon as I saw you. I pictured a long passionate embrace that overwhelmed me with happiness. 

We spent hours talking, my thoughts jumbled, clouded by alcohol and neediness. You corrected me when I said we were together for two years, and you told me to stop texting you if I thought that you were so bad. You were right. I felt like I disrespected myself but I don’t believe that you came here for selfish reasons, either. You wanted me as much as I wanted you.

You saw the rose that covered your name, but you didn’t see me crying in my jeep after I got it, and you didn’t see my mom holding me as I cried more at her house. It hurt, the ribs are one of the worst places to get a tattoo. It was a fitting metaphor.

I looked into your eyes as we laid there naked. I didn’t know how I was feeling, I still don’t. I had racing thoughts of what you had done, and what kind of a woman I was to let you in again after everything. It felt good and guilt inducing at the same time. I felt like I betrayed my family and my friends, especially after how much they’ve supported me. But I’m drawn to you. I released everything I felt for the passed month and a half just to be selfish and think about my own desires. To be vulnerable and raw, to let you be inside of me. To press myself against you and feel your hands on my body. To wake up next to you, my legs wrapped around yours.  

I wondered if you were thinking about them. If you wished I could be someone else. What you thought about my naked body in comparison. There was such a strong duality of emotions. I’m so confused.

I thought about what the end result of all of this could be. Time changes and heals everything, and for once I’m allowing it to take over because I don’t know what I want. How any of this can be cleaned up. If I’d ever forget. I’m afraid to be hurt again, but not being together means that all of the things you did while we were are ok now. I trusted you when you said you were just about me, and then I reminded myself that I trusted you before and got burned. I put my guard back up and spread my legs. It was the closest I could tangibly feel to you.

I know that I feel good today, a lot better than I have in a long while. That means something.

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