Broken Heart

I’m on here so at least someone can hear my cry wether it’s my last time or who knows

I have a beautiful girlfriend who I love very much and is very cute she has an amazing body an amazing personality and has a glowing soul but there is one problem me her bf I’m such a negative unattractive guy for example I use to have acne so my skin has what appears as craters so it’s very hard for me to act like I’m beautiful or cute etc when you have a face like that I also have a lisp that doesn’t really allow me to say certain words like snitch would sound as sinshhhh and it’s sad and embarrassing growing up I got teased a lot about it and I’m somewhat insecure about it but their is a BIGGER problem that I have never told no one one time me and my gf we’re done making love and I had asked her a question about a certain position and she said no that the last person she was with was like a fucking arm and I got so sad cuz I know I can never some up to a arm but I’m not completely small I’m average but to have that come from someone you love is sad she didn’t think nothing of it but that made me really sad and very insecure to the point when we would make love the thought of my beautiful girlfriend having sex and getting touched by someone who is an “arm” destroyed me so I would very often get soft and that would cause us to almost break up just the thought of your significant other being with someone who is bigger then your current bf is very sad so I would look on YouTube and google and surveys where if it really mattered if someone is “big” and some videos said no and some said yes one that stood out to me was a girl said yes it matters if they’re big I’m sorry if any other girl says other wise it’s just more pleasure stimulated to the uterus and so I got very insecure and sad I obviously can’t tell my gf I’m sad maybe even depressed that I’m not big as her X lover ? I can’t just get over it it hurts to know that you’re not cute or up to your partners standards when your partner is so beautiful and amazing and you’re just a piece of shit mistake you know ? I have many problems with myself such as the horrible acne scars the lisp my top row of teeth are pretty bad and many more problems but I try to live with myself I don’t have a dad the step dad ( who I called my real dad cuz he raised me since I was just a kid) passed away from cancer when I needed him the most my freshman year in high school I stepped in with a hole in my heart lost and confused which led me not graduating high school I let my mother down and more importanlty my step dad I have never met my biological dad my real father murder my one year old brother and tried to kill me as well but failed as my mom was living with him and his family she was scared to call the police cuz she didn’t have no one but his family so she was scared to be on the streets with a baby so she waited till a week to tell the police when she finally did the police also took her for not notifying the police sooner so as I grew I had to live with my aunts and uncles and there kids who were my age and I remember getting teased for not having my mother or my dad with me so it was hard growing up my whole life has been hard and now that I have such a prestige beautiful girlfriend I feel as if I’m not good for her she can do much better then me I’m just an ugly insecure walking shit I couldn’t tell my gf why I got so insecure about the ex lover so I felt trapped I feel trapped in much mind idk I have never been sucidal but I feel as if life would be better if I were dead it’s honestly sad to think that someone’s life is so bad that they think that it’ll be better if they took there own life I know I’m ugly I know I’m not good for no one or nothing but I still have a heart 🙁 and as I write this I am crying and just wish I was dead I am sorry I am ugly and just a horrid person but I just want to ….. I don’t know I guess just want to feel numb of this pain 🙁 I don’t know who to talk to or where to write this so I thought of an online journal would prob be helpful but helpful for someone else not me if you still have both parents give and hug them or call them and let them know you love them or a friend or your bf or gf let them know how you feel about them a simple I love you everything is goin to be fine goes a long way I’m saying this cuz that’s all I ever wanted was someone to do that to me 🙁 but I never got that all these emotions are bottled up inside and it hurts my soul I hope everyone has an amazing day and if you’re reading this I hope you have a wonderful day and just know that whatever you’re going threw is going to be alright have a blessed day and I love you all 💜

-Tony 10.24.17 8:43 pm- 

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