Appetite- Surprisingly present
Weight- 185 lbs
I dreamed of her confronting me after the event this weekend. I woke up after she asked me to talk. She wanted to reconcile I believe. That’s what my subconscious wants. I woke up angry.
Last night, I made the stupid mistake of seeing her Snapchat story. I forgot to remove her on there. She was at kbbq with her League of Legends friends and she was having a good time. I was angry. Why would she use snapchat all of a sudden? She rarely used it. Was she trying to get my attention? Was she trying to play games? The answer was yes.
I uploaded my own story. Within two minutes, she saw it. She was waiting for me to watch her story. Maybe she wanted to see my name pop up. Maybe seeing my name or have any hope that I’m still out there caring for her helps her get through the day. She should’ve thought of that before the breakup.
Today, my mom’s errands ran ridiculously late. We left at 10am, got home at 5pm. I was exhausted, but, I bought myself a new pair of shoes. That made me feel better. I also finally fulfilled my promise of treating my mom to IHOP because my appetite was present. She was really happy.
While we were at IHOP, I told her about snapchat. Her interpretation was this: “You BOTH are playing mind games with each other. That’s not healthy. She knows you just as well as you know her, and she wants to still feel your presence. You robbed her of that when you deleted her off of everything. Her defensive stance “If that’s what you want” might have been her calling your bluff, but you followed through. She’s hurt. You have your friends and your family to advise and watch out for you. She has no one. She only had you. You both set pretty definitive boundaries, but now she’s flying too close. It’s how she’s coping. I feel bad for her.”
My mom is right. I know she feels the hurt I feel. It was a mutual breakup blessed with understanding. Just because we understand doesn’t mean we agree with it. However, her hurt doesn’t concern me anymore… at least, it shouldn’t.
Tonight was the first meeting for my organization. She was one of the first people on discord and we sat there not speaking. The second I spoke during the meeting, she muted her headset. She missed half the meeting because she wasn’t listening. Did my voice hurt her? Good. That’s what she gets for mind gaming me. Another jab at her, I decide to flaunt my vacation in three weeks. I told her/everyone that I had major plans that I was looking forward to. Must’ve been really rough hearing me looking forward to something. Meeting ends, I’m angrier.
I went into a bipolar rant about being angry and destructive while being understanding and caring. It took a lot of energy out of me. I want to hurt and destroy her, while also wanting to save her and end this pain. Obviously, I want to hurt and destroy her so I can take responsibility and fix it. That’s what I did during my last breakup and I’ve learned to be better. I stuck to no contact. My final jab at her was uploading a picture of the trophy with my dog in the organization’s group chat. She always joked that if we broke up, she’d miss my dog more than me. Take that.
My night ends with reading more /r/ExNoContact and Hearthstone. I get a message from a girl that my ex doesn’t like very much. She’s coming to the event. My head fills with ideas of jealousy and revenge. I could be overly friendly to this female friend of mine over the weekend to get into her head. My best friend talks me out of it. I’d rather not open a door to more hurt and destruction. I’d rather not face a situation where she can fight fire with fire. However, she will be there. The opportunity will always be there if my resolve isn’t strong enough. If I really wanted to fuck up everything, I could do it this weekend.
Where I am:
I’m stronger and I’m not angry anymore. The thoughts of revenge and destruction took me out of that stage. I can’t help but feel like she’s cuddled up to someone right now, not as a rebound, but as an external source of comfort. It’s still just as disgusting. I hope she isn’t. I’ve removed her from snapchat and twitter. If I learned anything today, it’s that if she really wanted to talk to me, she knows exactly how to get to me. That is where I am.