i have to grit my teeth and just do things without thinking.

i wanted to apply to ut as well, since it ranks better than a&m, ou and utd, but i’d have to pay the application fee myself, and i don’t even think i’d probably get a full scholarship–ut’s scholarships are more selective, and they don’t give anything for national merit alone.

a&m, ou, and utd all give money for national merit finalist standing. i don’t……. know anymore. i thought i wanted to leave because i didn’t want to go to a&m; i thought i could do better and go somewhere better; but i really just don’t have money, and i’m not that great a student anyway. i wouldn’t have anyone to cosign my student loans if i took any, which i would probably have to do if i went to a school that doesn’t offer anything for national merit, since my parents won’t cosign for loans (and it would be awful to make them do that when they’re already struggling, and i still have a sibling who has to go to school + college).

i think a&m and ou are not that bad, all things considered. i think i would actually prefer to go to a&m now….. it’s close, i’m already here right next to campus, and it’s familiar, and it ranks better than ou and utd. still not as good as ut, but it’s not terrible. the problem is, a&m doesn’t give as much money as ou and utd do……. so i would have to see if i qualified for financial aid. i can probably/definitely get accepted to a&m, being a top 10% graduate and probably/hopefully a national merit finalist and all…… i’m just worried i won’t get any more money on top of the 42k i’ll get for four years (which is about half of the tuition for every year if i count as an in-state graduate, which i’m still not sure if i am, since it’s really confusing….. and a&m even sent me the wrong type of letter+email and later apologized and said that i WAS an in-state graduate…… so talk about confusing…….)

i swear to god if anyone comes here talking shit about how i must be a terrible student to not have any better choices other than these schools………. first of all, bitch, i’m poor.

it must be nice to not have to worry about money for college.

i tend to feel better when i force myself to concentrate on learning and studying. i had such a great time studying for my ap gov vocab quiz–yeah, i know i’m a nerd, i enjoy studying for vocab, okay? it’s just because i didn’t do so well last six weeks, and i really need to keep my average for gov up so it can all average to an a by the end of the semester. that’s why i stayed up til midnight yesterday doing a 60-pt extra-credit assignment, which brought my average up to a 100.67. hell yeah.

i’ve been feeling awful recently for all sorts of reasons. i really can’t handle life sometimes.

but school is great. it gets tiring, but i love it. is it possible to miss a moment when you’re living it? i miss high school already. i wish i had more time here, just to enjoy it.

i really hate how i can’t apply anywhere else and how my options are so limited. i mean, there are other schools that give money for national merit, but they’re either awful schools or they’re in awful states (like alabama or arkansas, two states i have sworn to never ever go to in my life because of how backwards their state legislation for certain issues is). although talking to jed, my great amazing wonderful physics teacher, makes me feel better about it. she assured me that since i plan on getting a master’s, it doesn’t really matter if i go to a school with a lower ranking for my bachelor’s, and i really trust her judgment on everything.

it’s getting cold here. i love it.

my friend js sent me a cat spam last night on snapchat. it was great. her cat is so chill and cute (and fat, and kinda derpy-looking sometimes). i’ll really miss her once high school is over; we’ll probably never see each other again, since i’m not going far from here, but she’ll go to canada, california, or georgia,,,,, all far places. some of my other friends i might see more frequently, since they’ll just be in texas, in and around and close by.

One thought on “determination.”

  1. Hey! 🙂 Good to see your still writing and carrying on with all your studies 😀 You seem like a good student to me by what I read. I’m so glad to read that school is great for you, yay! Just because your options are limited and money is very tight doesn’t mean you won’t get to where you want to be in the end, you seem determined and hard working tbh!

Leave a Comment: