Weight- 185 lbs
It’s funny. I know I had a dream. I just can’t remember. It’s holding less importance everyday. I just remember running. I wasn’t running away from anything, I think I was just chasing something. She wasn’t in my dream.
I woke up sad. Yesterday, I took my jabs at her, I played my games. I’m just sad. Questions like “what if she finds someone new?” pops into my head, and I know I’m just going to have to accept it. I tried going to school today. No luck. I suffocated and almost had a mental meltdown. I drove to church instead at 8:30am and sad in front of a Jesus statue.
I asked him for strength and guidance. I also asked him to guide her to happiness. I didn’t want to ask him to guide her to me, that’s not how this works. Funny though… the songs playing on the radio as soon as I turned my car on summed up the week. “If This Is It” by Huey Lewis & The News, then “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor, and then her favorite Elton John song “I’m Still Standing.” Very coincidental.
After getting home, I decided to read “Getting Over Your Breakup” which is the book that /r/ExNoContact recommends. I read the first three chapters and that took me to 1pm. I had more work to do, so I did club stuff. Typical, she’s the first person looking at the group chat. Oh well.
In between work, I opened up the first mental roadmap I wrote. I listed out potential breadcrumbs she could say and the appropriate responses. I then wrote out in big bold letters an explanation of the situation I’m in and why it’s the right choice. Rereading it helps me a lot. Lastly, I decided to brainfart all over the roadmap trying to understand what she’s feeling, so now there’s a giant paragraph of things she could be going through right now. Basically, she’s going through the pain I’m going through and she’s processing it in her own way. Shocker. I had a meeting at 4:30pm and then had dinner with a close friend.
The dinner was spent with me talking about where I am in my healing and him giving me his take. I really appreciated his insight. Afterwards, we went to my house and played Smash 4. I told him that one of my other ex’s was in an abusive relationship and we planned to save her. I’m sure that’ll consume my time for a bit. It’s a serious problem.
Where I am:
I’m still pretty sad. I worry about her and I worry about her moving by rebounding. It’s not my problem but god damn does that thought hurt. If I’m being truly honest with myself, I really want her to confront me after the event this weekend. I want her to ask me to talk because I still want to. I don’t want to entertain breadcrumbs though. If she doesn’t, then fuck. I miss her.