27/10/17

My own diary and I don’t even know where to begin. I guess for anyone reading this then I guess I should give you some details about me.

I’m a 22 year old girl from Scotland, I work in the public sector, I’m currently in a relationship and have a large family 4 older brothers to be exact.

So your probably asking why has this girl started writing? why is she making it public for the world to see?  To answer that as honest as possible, I am going through a lot just now and its a lot to have to deal with. I am allowing the public to see it for the people who may be going through similar things as myself, maybe it will bring them some form of comfort to know they aren’t alone in this shitty world.

#1 problem – my parents are divorcing and yes I know at this age it shouldn’t really effect me but it does in a huge way. You see this has been a long time coming, my parents they should have divorced at least 25 years ago (they have been together 33 years). My dad he is an ex alcoholic, put my mum through a lot of hard times back in the day with it and gave it up when they discovered I was coming along. As you can tell by that statement I was not planned in the slightest my mum was 5 months pregnant with me when they discovered. Anyway through the years things went from bad to worse, my dad got botched up by a surgeon and was left with severe nerve damage in his back to the point some days he cant use his left leg. He lost his job and as a result of that my mum had to go out and work, she was always a stay at home mum and then overnight became the bread winner. As you probably know yourself people who cannot move and just eat gain weight, so over the course of a few years my dad ballooned to 25 stone, didn’t really want to help himself and ended up not leaving the house etc. That’s when the arguing first started. Then my oldest brother came into the picture Stephen, my dads first child he had when he was 15. I never knew about Stephen, he didn’t want to be a part of my life so I guess I blocked him out. But as I soon discovered when Stephen appeared so did trouble. Because of Stephen and his mum, my mum developed a mental illness we only just recently discovered it was severe depression. Anyway my mum went through a really bad patch to the point she was dancing around my dads car on the road hitting it with shoes, or singing “I could scream all day” while hovering the stairs. Stephen finally met a woman and disappeared for a while which helped my mum but then he came back demanding money off my dad, threatening me and my brothers the list goes on but it got so bad we had to actually phone the police one day. We haven’t heard from him since, in fact my uncle told us a few months ago he was in jail, not that I’m surprised… Fast forwarding to present day, whatever happened with Stephen brought out a lot of anger and sadness to my family. Over the last few months my mum has gotten to the point she causes a war the moment my dad walks out the door, then cries to either myself or my brothers saying how unhappy she is and how she hates my dad etc. Theres only so many times you can hear someone saying that without snapping and telling them just to leave them, if your that unhappy get a divorce. So over the months of these mini wars I like to call them, my dad has paid the mortgage, they have moved into separate rooms, visited a lawyer and my dads now looking for a new home. My mum refuses to take medicine for her depression or go to counselling and shouting she is going to kill herself to make everyone else happy.

#2 problem – Health. One word that means so much to everyone who has health issues. dad – nerve damage in the back, organ failure, diabetes and is allergic to penicillin         mum  – depression, has had septecemia, her womb taken out, her bladder has collapsed multiple times and she is allergic to anti inflamatories                                                             alan (brother) – asthma                                                                                                                     gary (brother) – anxiety problems and liver problems                                                              john (brother) – bowel problems and is very very shy                                                                Stephen (brother) – apart from being a bit of an idiot he is also an addict                               me? I have a condition called hidrenitis supprativa, an auto immune disorder that if I’m being honest is either slowly killing me or slowly driving me insane. Have had it since puberty where it just randomly developed, was diagnosed at 19, see a specialist every 4 weeks and have been on medicine practically every day for the last 10 years. See there isn’t a cure and it has been ranked in a list as the third most painful condition known to man. It has not doubt put me into depression a good few times, I don’t feel like I’m your average 22 year old because I cant drink, I cant make plans because truth is if I get a flare up I’m bed ridden or in hospital. It has gotten so bad in recent years that when I do get a flare up unless its really bad I cut myself (not self harming, a small incision into the lump to let the poison out) people may think that is fucked up, I know my doctors give me into trouble for it. But unless your in that position and you feel the pain I feel then please do not judge me. Over the years I have met peace with my disorder realistically there is nothing I can do about it, except to just live. Some people have said that is inspirational, I disagree I think its called being human, people go through worse and come out the other side, so why cant I do the same. Anyway the reason this is one of my problems is because I am on a therapy just now, and its having an adverse effect on me. I have double the amount of red blood cells in my body than I should which in turn is making my heart work harder. I have no immune system so I’m catching everything else too from a small cold to full blown tonsillitis. So yeah that’s getting me down, I am currently taking 5 anti biotics a day, which to be fair isn’t a record for me I was once taking 16, but when you aren’t allowed to eat with them it makes things very difficult.

#3 problem – my boyfriend. we have been together for two years, have broken up twice and just aren’t meant to be together. How can you tell someone that you love them but not in love with them when every time you try to end it they threaten you? They emotionally blackmail you as well as once actually blackmailing you. Its hard because he is probably my best friend I tell him so much but then theres a lot of stuff I cant tell him too. He doesn’t allow me to have social media, he doesn’t allow me to have male friends, I need to text him every morning when I get into work, outside of work if I don’t text him within ten minutes of his text he accuses me of cheating, on a daily basis I get asked if I still fancy him and love him and well the list goes on. We don’t sleep together anymore, we don’t do anything any more and I see him once a week. we have had the discussion about the future and realised with our small age different him being 25 we want different things. He is so obsessed by me that he wont let me go and I think that’s what is adding to my hard times. I want to be free, I want to go about my day without worrying about texting him every 5 minutes, I don’t necessarily want to go and move on with someone else I just want my freedom back. I was such a different person before I met him, and eve though on a daily basis he says he loves me and calls me beautiful he has made me feel ugly inside with the last of trust, the obsessive behaviour etc Its not a nice situation and to be honest any girl reading this and dating someone like the person ive just described run away and don’t look back please it doesn’t matter if they are good looking with a decent job it just isn’t worth it, it isn’t worth the pain the comes along with it.

#4 problem – a long with all of that above, work and volunteering with children I am studying. So yeah that completely adds on to the stress!

I’m going to go watch some criminal minds now and possibly attempt an essay (the last one of 4 that is due in for Monday) lucky me!

Will write soon

Axo

 

One thought on “27/10/17”

  1. I’m sorry to hear about all your troubles. As for feeling depressed when it comes to the divorce of your parents, your age does not matter. Parents splitting is painful regardless of your age. My parents divorced when I was 16. They started a divorce when I was 12, but put it on hold to try to work things out. My dad ended up having an affair for 2 years before my mom found out and they decided to finally follow through with the divorce. So I can relate to the way you feel. Now as far as the problem with your boyfriend… What he’s doing is absolutely abusive! You need to get out of that situation for your health and for your safety. Besides, you want your freedom as you stated. You will never get that when in a relationship with someone as controlling as the person that you’ve described. If you search for the cycle of abuse you will see that physical abuse and emotional abuse work in the same exact cycle. I think you will be able to relate. You are having emotional, and possibly physical, symptoms from the stress created by this boyfriend. He claims to love you, but does not allow you to be yourself or to have friends. What he is showing you is NOT love. Those are my two cents. I hope it gives you some bit of relief to know someone else can understand, at least on some level, what you are experiencing. I do hope that you have some relief in your health situation, even temporarily. And I wish you the best with your choice in your relationships. As for family do what you can to stay happy, as often as possible. Remember just because you are related by blood (or even marriage) does not mean you must continue with a relationship that is unhealthy. You are well within your rights to distance yourself or cut all ties completely. You are too young and life is too short to not be happy. You cannot make others change, but you CAN change YOURSELF, and your role in these relationships to ensure your life is the happiest it can be. Change is scary and difficult, but when you are affected negatively it is the best decision.

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