Day 4- The Night Before History

Health:

Appetite- Not there

Weight- 185 lbs

Dream:

I dreamed that I was in the leasing office of her apartment. My ex wasn’t there, but the leasing manager was. “Hey, I haven’t seen you in awhile!” she said. I replied with, “Yeah, we broke up.” The leasing manager was shocked. “You two looked so cute together.” We continued to talk about the breakup. The last thing she told me before I woke up was “That explains everything. Every time I see her, she’s sad.” I woke up missing my ex.

Today:

Today is the day before the biggest event of my life. I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR IT. I was supposed to set up at the venue and prepare for everything, but I wasn’t given a time to show up. I ended up sitting at home playing hearthstone. 

I guess the progress was represented with the frequency of which I check /r/ExNoContact. I rarely visited it today. I felt normal today. I even almost forgot to pick up a trophy and ended rushing over there.  The venue calls me telling me they ran out of tables. That’s a HUGE issue. I went dizzy instantly trying to think of a solution. Stress on top of grief is very dangerous.

The sadness began at the Halloween party I promised to go to. I was looking forward to being surrounded by friends and games. We’d be in costumes doing themed activities and I really value those quirky things. Unfortunately, I realized who I was surrounded by. All of my friends are in long term relationships. Each couple broke up at least once and got back together. It hit me hard. I started thinking about why I’m going through a breakup and thinking about the possibilities of it being patched up. I was there for all of their breakups, so I know their stories very well. They’re here for me now, but tonight was a celebration. I wouldn’t dare let my emotions ruin it. 

On the drive home, I started thinking about tomorrow’s event. What if my emotions get the best of me? What if I can’t be as strong as I’m expected to be? I see her tomorrow. The first time I’ve seen her since Saturday. If I couldn’t handle the table issue, what more the issues that’ll come up tomorrow? I hope I don’t pass out and get hospitalized. I need my rest. 

Where I am:

Yesterday, I came up with a list of questions she could possible ask me during a confrontation. I’m prepared in that regard. Today, I find myself hoping for the confrontation. I’m not angry, I’m just lonely. I hope that the stress she goes through tomorrow convinces her of her own strength. I hope the sight of me overcoming obstacles will remind her of why she admired me so much. I hope that once the stress is gone, she’ll realize that maybe we broke up out of stress and that there’s a way to fix it all. That’s why I want confrontation again. I know there’s a very low chance of it playing out like that, but I believe I can accept it all not happening. I believe I can accept just running an event and going back to being strangers. That is where I am. 

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