Broken Promises And Shattered Dreams Asking What Might Have Been

I hate saying goodbye. goodbye is suppose to be a word exchanged for anyone but us. why is that the only word that fits right now? goodbye is a word for strangers but that’s kind of what it feels like we have become lately. I don’t want to let go but I cannot keep holding what isn’t anymore.
when I say I love you, know that I mean it. I want to hug you and hold on a bit tighter not letting go. how is it that people who were once so good for each other suddenly aren’t anymore? when we fight it is about little things that don’t matter. things that used to not bother me suddenly do. things I used to look past suddenly I cannot shake anymore.
if this is what falling out of love feels like, it hurts like hell to look back at where we were and where we thought we were going, only to discover sometimes it is best to just walk away. I don’t know what a life without you would even look like or feel like… I’ve learned the hard way about people who need to be saved; you can’t save them unless they want you to save them. you only have so many life preservers. don’t hand them out readily to people who are reckless with your heart. one day when you need to save yourself, you will reach for something to hold onto and find yourself empty handed, unable to stay afloat.
what hurts isn’t goodbye or that final kiss, it is everything after I know will bring me to my knees. it’s staring at my phone waiting to hear from you but knowing I won’t. it is waking up in a bed that forces me to become comfortably numb getting used to sleeping alone. it is looking for you in a crowd of every place remembering how no one else mattered. it is looking back at pictures where everything in those moments felt perfect.
I cannot explain when or why or who exactly changed. perhaps it was both of us. maybe we outgrew each other.
but when I say I love you I want you to know I mean it. I don’t want to say words because we are suppose to or do things because that is how we have always done them.
you are beginning to feel like a stranger. I suppose that is what we have become, ghosts in each others pasts afraid to let go but being struck with the reality that nothing is the same.
I’ll say it one more time for old times sake. I love you. I think part of me always will. I’ll say it because I mean it. I’ll miss you.
for the rest of my life I will look at myself in the mirror and I’m always going to see pieces of you there looking back at me, for you have made me who I am.

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